When I was a teenager I would get depressed about something and I would want to do things that I knew would hurt me as a person. I'd slice my arms or only drink coffee and smoke cloves all day long. Knowing that these things were harmful to myself in a dark way of dealing and expressing that maybe I wanted to disappear and die but too cowardly to just kill myself. Sounds crazy and I have not done that since I was young but lately I've been feeling that same feeling deep inside wishing I would like smoking cloves again and wanting to cut my arms and disappear. It's a scary feeling because it is something I always thought was the past. Left behind as I've grown into an adult. I have really nowhere to let these thoughts out to except here. I'm sure only a handful of people actually read this so now it's become like a journal I can keep with my ugly thoughts and dysfunctional mind. My other half has not realized the importance of being my best friend forever. That's what keeps relationships stron is a good bond. And I think like most menthey assume that everything works out on it's own without the effort because we are all together like a family even if we spend no time together and aren't there for each other to make the dark days bright. I'm going way too deep into y thoughts and I apologiZe if this makes no sense because I'm just typing as my mind is running. Usually it only makes sense in my own head.
Please note that it's not my hubs fault really. It's my own issue and it must not be easy living with a mental nut case pike me who is emotionally sensitive. If he knew to be my best friend I think it would help a lot but I don't think he realizes it even when I tell him hahaha
Don't worry I will live to see tomorrow hahahha
image via dreamtime.com
7 comments:
HUGS!
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Oh ,dear .Hope you better now .God with you.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way; I can relate somewhat and it really sucks. I definitely get how other people who have not felt the emotional lows don't understand how to help or reach you. I hope things get better and I hope you can get through to your husband; it's nice to have someone in the trenches with you.
I was trying to explain to a friend about how love isn't enough; she said I was overthinking a relationship I have and I should just "follow my heart." But relationships are so much work & people have so much baggage, that even if I'm in love, I'm not going to go fling myself into something that has so many complications (distance, finances, history). I'm not saying I'm experiencing what you are, but I'm trying (perhaps failing), to say that I do get how someone can be good and kind and loving, but still somehow not "get" or reach you when you need it.
I wish I could hug you right now...I still have your drawing and STILL use your belt you sent me!! I want to send something again..what could I send you that you would want from here?? thank you again for your comment it is very very much appreciated..I sometimes feel soooo alone..
I made it here by accident - the "next blog" button brought me here - and let me tell you, I feel the same. Only I'm the teenager that sometimes does the stuff you wish you could go back to... And believe me, it does NOTHING good. I'm saying that from the "not-a-bad-day" perspective, but it's important to realize that it's better to work problems out than hide them by searching for an endorphin kick from cutting or cloves ;)
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U're cute
Hi i stumbled upon your blog and when i saw this post i completely related. In fact im going through the exact same situation (obviously i know its not exactly the same but reading of only the information you wrote in this post it appears to be exactly like my current problems). As a younger teenager i would be depressed and deal with my depression as you did by cutting, smoking, and not eating. Since then ive come to handle my depression in a much much healthier way and consider the prior methods to be 'in my past'. As ive grown and become a mother im doing my best to handle myself in healthy ways so i can be the best mom i can be and set a good example. but sometimes it feels overwhelming and i find myself thinking about doing things i did in the past but i refuse to let myself, it just scares me that these thoughts arise since, like you, i thought that was all behind me. but now that my husband and i are trying to work on our relationship and become closer and communicate more it is just so hard but im keeping my head up and continuing to do the best i can. i just wanted to let you know youre not alone in the world of your feelings and id be happy to help in any way i can. lol im sorry if that sounds weird since i am a total stranger but it always helps me to know im not the only one out there dealing with issues such as these.
wish you the best,
megan lynn
http://mycupofteaplease.blogspot.com/
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