I am definitely not in a good place right now and I can't seem to get right with myself and my head. I'm in a spot where I feel like I should go away and disappear for a while for the sake of everyone around me. My kids no doubt can feel my emotional turmoil and frustration and I'm always easily agitated by things. I hate this about myself and I hate feeling this way and I'm worried my kids will not be happy kids because of the aura that I'm exuding. It's ugly and dark and I want to slap myself silly to wake the f up but it doesn't seem to be working.
When I was a teenager I would get depressed about something and I would want to do things that I knew would hurt me as a person. I'd slice my arms or only drink coffee and smoke cloves all day long. Knowing that these things were harmful to myself in a dark way of dealing and expressing that maybe I wanted to disappear and die but too cowardly to just kill myself. Sounds crazy and I have not done that since I was young but lately I've been feeling that same feeling deep inside wishing I would like smoking cloves again and wanting to cut my arms and disappear. It's a scary feeling because it is something I always thought was the past. Left behind as I've grown into an adult. I have really nowhere to let these thoughts out to except here. I'm sure only a handful of people actually read this so now it's become like a journal I can keep with my ugly thoughts and dysfunctional mind. My other half has not realized the importance of being my best friend forever. That's what keeps relationships stron is a good bond. And I think like most menthey assume that everything works out on it's own without the effort because we are all together like a family even if we spend no time together and aren't there for each other to make the dark days bright. I'm going way too deep into y thoughts and I apologiZe if this makes no sense because I'm just typing as my mind is running. Usually it only makes sense in my own head.
Please note that it's not my hubs fault really. It's my own issue and it must not be easy living with a mental nut case pike me who is emotionally sensitive. If he knew to be my best friend I think it would help a lot but I don't think he realizes it even when I tell him hahaha
Don't worry I will live to see tomorrow hahahha
image via dreamtime.com