Sinking or floating

Sinking or floating.... Not sure which but either of them means im just exising and not living

What do you do when you have no one. No one to rely on. Not a shoulder to count on to be the rock when you really need it? What becomes of a person when it's just you. All alone. Not physically since there will always be bodies present in company. Just emotionally and mentally. What happens. I think we lose our own sanity sometimes. I've always been a private person. Maybe having one person who I always stuck with. But even that as I grow older I have lost because the few close friends I have aren't even near me now. I think I'm mentally missing the part of life that includes human interaction other than babies and toddlers. Literally been 5 years since I've been my own person and I don't really know who I am or what I like anymore. Funny how being so isolated and given the full role as a parent has cost me giving up my brain hahaha. No really. I always devote all my time to one thing. Be it school friend kid boyfriend job whatever but I always could only focus on one thing and put all my efforts in it but it's my downfall and I've made myself this way. Partly because I want to make everyone else happy and accommodate everyone else's time and schedule and put my own self qt the bottom of the list. Five years can really do a number on a mental state. Having no one to remind me that im just as important as everyone else so take care of you first once In a while makes it hard to always remember. And more so on one who has anxiety and social issues. Omfg. Funny I can know that but not know the way to right it. I need to run or something. Fuck it

For the Better or Worse - just words

I am definitely not in a good place right now and I can't seem to get right with myself and my head. I'm in a spot where I feel like I should go away and disappear for a while for the sake of everyone around me. My kids no doubt can feel my emotional turmoil and frustration and I'm always easily agitated by things. I hate this about myself and I hate feeling this way and I'm worried my kids will not be happy kids because of the aura that I'm exuding. It's ugly and dark and I want to slap myself silly to wake the f up but it doesn't seem to be working.

When I was a teenager I would get depressed about something and I would want to do things that I knew would hurt me as a person. I'd slice my arms or only drink coffee and smoke cloves all day long. Knowing that these things were harmful to myself in a dark way of dealing and expressing that maybe I wanted to disappear and die but too cowardly to just kill myself. Sounds crazy and I have not done that since I was young but lately I've been feeling that same feeling deep inside wishing I would like smoking cloves again and wanting to cut my arms and disappear. It's a scary feeling because it is something I always thought was the past. Left behind as I've grown into an adult. I have really nowhere to let these thoughts out to except here. I'm sure only a handful of people actually read this so now it's become like a journal I can keep with my ugly thoughts and dysfunctional mind. My other half has not realized the importance of being my best friend forever. That's what keeps relationships stron is a good bond. And I think like most menthey assume that everything works out on it's own without the effort because we are all together like a family even if we spend no time together and aren't there for each other to make the dark days bright. I'm going way too deep into y thoughts and I apologiZe if this makes no sense because I'm just typing as my mind is running. Usually it only makes sense in my own head.

Please note that it's not my hubs fault really. It's my own issue and it must not be easy living with a mental nut case pike me who is emotionally sensitive. If he knew to be my best friend I think it would help a lot but I don't think he realizes it even when I tell him hahaha


Don't worry I will live to see tomorrow hahahha


image via dreamtime.com

Beach for Days

Summer vacation may be over but the beach days aren't. Z loves the beach so much we go all day on the weekends and sometimes in the late afternoons...makes me really wish we lived a block away from the beach so we wouldn't have to drive and could just walk there. My two little fishes are sooo hilarious and sandy...I think they have permanent sand in their hair...I find it everywhere even after a week hahahaha

So much for cooking...I still am in this awful funk and I don't know what to do so no pics of food AGAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN UGHHHHHHHHHHHH

but one thing about the summer vacation ending, I get part of my sanity back since Z starts Kindergarten and I don't have the headache of the two boys all day long hahahha I love them but all morning and night I get noooooo time to myself!!! I need sleeeeepppp







this is what my daddy does to me in the mornings hahaha