Thursday, December 26, 2013

Floods

I haven't had the chance to really cry my heart out since we left for this wierd new city. My heart wanted to stay home where my familiarity and handful of true friends were nearby but we couldn't stay for just that. I definitely will need the help soon when I find a decent job so my family can help with picking up kids from school or homework if I can't be there. Sitters and daycare are expensive everywhere and if we stayed, that plus cost of living would make life impossible. At least here, the cost of living is less than half that of HI so its manageable without me having to work two jobs to keep afloat and still be able to raise my kids and be a part of their lives without relying so much on others. I have had many ups and downs this past few weeks and had small tears but tonight really just shook me and I couldn't help but bawl in my towel. I have no where to go with this hurt. And my kids cannot see that either. They have adapted so seamlessly that the last thing I want is for them to associate anything with sadness. The one positive of their father being non existent in their lives all these years is that they do lot see any change in routine. While I've seen a few friends who separated have had their little ones have a harder time adjusting because they had both parents home at least for dinner every night. So when you take that away it confuses them. Luckily my kids didn't have to deal with that. But I am the one who is sad and hurt and depressed. I know from advice and my own head, that it will be better if I can pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. It's just fresh and needs to be healed. Crying has helped a little. 

A friend had said she was sad and couldn't understand why he treated her like  a doormat. sad that She let him treat her like shit for so long and that as the years went on the more bitchy She became. She used to be so in love with him but for whatever reason She just was not what he wanted and She didnt understand why he married her.  This was almost exactly what she said and I felt like it was myself talking. Made me want to reach out and hug her even through 5,000 miles of ocean.  Through all of this, I've got a renewed love and appreciation for the few awesome friends I have and hold them dear for being such strong and supportive humans. Let's hope my next post will be of smiles. 



On one good note in this odd and transient city, I have met a few nice ladies whom I run with and that's my only outlet to normality. Running. Although running with a group is another Huge change since I've always run solo (if I got the chance to run when everyone was sleeping), this is a welcome change. Let's hope this is a step to better days. 

I have managed to see some gorgeous sunrises because of my runs. 





Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Gave it My Best

I can say I gave it my best the last ten years. Tried every different angle to get things going but in the end, I just couldn't do it alone. I didn't sign up to be a samurai wife to be home alone every night to raise the kids and be quiet don't say a word leave me to do what I want kind of lifestyle.  The kids and I deserved to be a part of a whole family at least an hour a week to be loved. That never seemed so much to ask but it was asking more than could be given.  When life is constantly in motion because of one person holding everything up, it's like the car that gets stuck in a ditch at the side of the road, no matter how much I tried to push the car out, I was after all, a little girl who was only so strong and couldn't muster up enough strength to push that 10000000 pound car over the bump. If the driver or passenger doesn't want to lift a finger to help get the car out of a jam, you're the only one left and you definitely need help unless you're the HULK with inhuman strength.  I keep thinking that I should have just kept pushing but it would have broken my heart and spirit to a point I don't think I could ever recover.  Had I kept up as much as I had, and I let it go another 10 years, it may not ever be reversable. My mind keeps going back and forth between the consequences of either path I took and none was a win-win. Yet I chose to give my kids and myself a fighting chance to lead a life that might be happier in the long run. No knowledge of what will happen but knowing that the other path may have led to a darker time had I stayed. My own spirit had been shoved into a tomb over the years. As if no one cared that I also had a heart and I was left to be treated like a lowly servant who deserved nothing but to be locked up in the home to do her duty with no care that I was a human being too. Changing my life is not something I have been strong with. I have the hardest time with change and this has been many at one time which makes it so much harder to handle. But I am a mom first and I cannot break down and burst into tears in case they see me crying. It wouldn't do to show my kids I'm sad. They don't need that. I hope after everything settles, I will feel like the choices have been the right ones and my sadness is only temporary. All I do is for them and I hope they will understand how much I care and love them. At times like this I definitely need to meet my maker or have some words with him/her. But I don't know who or how. Give me strength because I definitely need it most now.

One of the last sun rises before we left 
Last morning glass chats with a friend I will miss a lot

Monday, November 4, 2013

Leaps

With everything that's happening. All the craziness and loose ends to take care of, when I take a moment to breathe, I am so grateful for the few people who have tried to help me with the long list of things to get done and for my two kids who drive me nuts everyday but make me smile at the end of the day. My heart rises and falls with them. I cannot imagine my life everyday without seeing their little lovely faces and their voices making the day full of noise. Without it, itd be too silent and I wouldn't be ok with that. I never wanted kids when I was growing up. Never thought I'd be pushed into this responsibility, but I did and have found myself to have grown up so much in the last few years. Not by choice. But its part of being a parent.  Here's to making new paths to a brighter 2014. It's all for them. My loves.


Saturday, October 12, 2013

Perfect timings

I found an awesome blog while doing a search for a quote on life and it was so on the nail that I subscribed to their blog. And everytime I get an email from them, it touches heart strings and totally seems to be where I am in thought. I wanted to post the link to this entry but this one wasn't posted it was emailed.

Check out Marc and angel's blog. It's very mind clearing. 

Here is the email about "7 bad habits holding good people back" 

A change in bad habits leads to a good change in life…

Here are seven bad habits many of us repeatedly struggle with:

1.  Mulling over past hardships. – You’ll never see the great things ahead of you if you keep looking at the bad things behind you.  You are exactly where you need to be to reach your goals.  Everything you’ve been through was preparation for where you are right now and where you can be tomorrow.

2.  Holding on to things you need to let go of. – Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things in life that should not be.  Sometimes letting go is what makes us stronger, happier and more successful in the long run.

3.  Letting one dark cloud cover the entire sky. – Take a deep breath.  It’s just a bad moment, or a bad day, not a bad life.  Everyone has troubles.  Everyone makes mistakes.  The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles.

4.  Spending time with people who make you unhappy. – People can be cruel, and sometimes they will be.  People can hurt you and break your heart, and sometimes they will.  But only YOU can allow them to continuously hurt you.  Value yourself enough to choose to spend time with people who treat you the way you treat them.  Know your worth.  Know when you have had enough.  And move on from the people who keep chipping away at your happiness.

5.  Not making time for those who matter most. – Too often we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone.  Appreciate what you have, who loves you and who cares for you.  You’ll never know how much they mean to you until the day they are no longer beside you.

6.  Discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t. – STOP discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t.  START giving yourself credit for everything that you are.

7.  Giving up who YOU are. – Remove yourself from any situation that requires you to give up any one of these three things:  1) Who you are.  2)  What you stand for.  3)  The goals you aspire to achieve..

Next steps…

Habits like these can bleed you dry of energy and make it impossible for you to function effectively.  You can’t live a happy, fulfilling life if you’re spending all your energy in the wrong ways.  You can, however, make adjustments starting today that will help you feel better, think more clearly, and live a life free of these bad habits.



Saturday, September 28, 2013

We Are Who We Are

There has never been a time when I couldn't sit back and think about how things work. The same goes with everything in my life. No matter what the issues were, I think (at least I truly believe I am this way) that I have always been able to try to see the other point and try to do the best for everyone. My mom used to always say I was the peacemaker. Never wanting to step on anyone's toes and make everything happy. In the end, that has always bitten me in the ass and the only person who suffered has been myself. But inside, it has made me stronger and has let me see characters in people that I used to always pride my mom on. She was always able to look and hear someone and have a good judge of how someone is. I take longer to do it (years sometimes), but I have been able to see the bigger picture and try to let that person be how they are because I see it in them. That is pretty much how my husband has been for me.  As much as he has his negatives, I've always known he had a good heart, never TRYING to be hurtful spitefully, and had so much good in him, he just didn't have the bone in his body to be the father and husband he could be. I've always said and known that he's a free spirit. And you really can't cage a person who is one. That person has to want to change their way of life in their own time. I've always told him that I know you, you are you and I don't ever want to be the person to make you be someone you aren't. And that if you just don't want the responsibility, I'd be ok with it if you said so. I've always tried to give him that OUT. The easier way to say ya, I can't do this. Not because he's mean or terrible. Some people just aren't cut out for responsibility and tied down. I don't blame him for spending all his years doing as he pleased and not having worked or had to answer to anyone. He has always been the happiest and at peace when he would just last minute decide to go on a trip and surf. That's the life he's lived and to this day, that's what he enjoys and wants to do. This trip to Vegas to visit my family has shown me that. He didn't even tell me he was leaving on a surf trip while I was going to be gone with the kids visiting parents and as upset as I was for being left in the dust like I've been the last 10 years, I had to see that to finally get the clouds parting. Never having a plan, never knowing what was going on, basically being the on call nanny, cook, wife, maid, bookkeeper, etc is tough. It's the basic lack of respect that has finally taken its toll on me. But after all that, I saw it clearly. This is the life he loves. This is what he wants to do. He will never admit it because deep down, I believe he is fighting his own demons and battles. Because of the good heart he has, I know that he must know the right and wrong. That he knows what he "should" do because it's what he thinks he should do as a father and husband, but what he wants is opposite, to live carefree, have no responsibilities and live how he's always loved, but have what he has at home as well (basically have your cake and eat it too). If I look at it from that prospective, I can only imagine how hard it is. If you cannot accept yourself because you think its not right or think you're not doing right, I would not be stoked either. He has to come to the acceptance of it and own up to it. I've given him many outs over the many years. Always saying, if you can't handle it, can't do it, I'm ok with it. You just need to say it so I can accept that. I would never be mad at someone for admitting the truth no matter how good or bad it makes someone look, I'd always respect the honest truth. But I think someone who struggles with that and can't figure out on their own what they are doing, it is impossible. He needs to go through his demons and deal with them. But it also means that I need to be the strong one and make the decision for us to do what best because I cannot wait another ten years for him to decide what demons he is dealing with. He needs to be happy. And seeing him pick up and go like he's always done is how he's showed me his life is like all these years, what life I have with the kids is not going to fit in anywhere. Words are only words. But actions and how you portray your life is what speaks thousandfold. I never want to be the person to make someone miserable. I've always said that to him. I just wished he would feel that way about me and accept himself as well. Its funny how everything seems to light the path when you least expect it.

My trip here was so short but it was so nice to see my parents. I hadn't seen my mom in a year and a half. I got to see my really good friends Todd and Rheanne and I hadn't realized how good it was to see them. They were family to me for so long. Everything happens for a reason. Whatever it is, whatever the reason, things happen to keep us growing stronger as people. There is so much life to be lived. We have to live it and keep moving ahead wherever it may be. 


Did I mention I am in love with mountains? Lol
Red rock canyon. I intend to explore this better next time I come here!




Saturday, September 14, 2013

Sitting Back

This is said and thought all the time. I want my kids to grow up to be good people. Be able to take care of themselves and those they love.  Its a huge responsibility as a parent. Maybe not everyone thinks this way but I catch myself often yelling and dislike myself for my reaction. 
Somehow with everything that has been said, actions mean more than words as I've always believed. So I just sit back and watch it unfold in front of me. Keep quiet and observe. That's something I've been doing for a while now but more so as I look for all the different paths in life. You cannot make people change if they don't truly have the inner heart and mind to change for themselves. To be better for themselves so they can be better for those around them. We can only grow and strengthen our own minds because its by choice. You can choose to continue the same path you've always walked because its comfortable and known. Or you can choose to walk another path without the knowledge of what's ahead. Only believing that somewhere down the line, you'll look back and have no regrets. Changing ourselves or lives is a tough road and constant work. Wonder what will happen next?  What new obstacle will I get out in front of my path? 


I love my kids. 


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Love My Kids


I love love love my kids. As much as I feel like I go crazy and feel angry and grumpy, I find so much happiness in them. Everytime I look at them I tear up thinking how sad I'm going to be when they don't want to be near me anymore or hold my hand and hug me. I wish I could keep them this small forever and I could just hold them all day. This past month has been trying but it also left me with some clarity that I needed so badly and with that came this giant relief that I could actually stop being so grumpy towards my kids and have more patience to handle the crazy they bring. I do hope this Patience will stick around long so I can continue this awesome pattern we have going. My kids have been amaingly awesome. This year has brought so many changes to their routine and me actually being serious about getting them on the right path to become good humans in the future. Z has grown so much since then. I can't believe it when I see him do things on his own everyday that just six months ago he wouldn't even brush his teeth t the sink or argue with me about it. Now he's just there doing it without me asking most of the time. I can rest knowing that he can do this on his own if I weren't there for some reason.  We've settled into a nice routine of homework, washing hands, brushing teeth, eating more healthy(try), limiting iPads, being outdoors and showering.  I'm one proud mama these days. Shows how much kids can learn quickly if you just put the time in to mold them.  

Been very very thankful for some good friends who have been living their lives all these years but have always been there in the background even when years had passed and we hasn't talked. I totally needed the support and advice and strength these few weeks and I don't know if I could have been sane without them. 



The light in town was gorgeous:

R enjoying the Friday night fireworks in Waikiki. Pure happiness 😍
My daily breakfast the last few months =)


Monday, August 19, 2013

Inappropriate Behaviors

To the husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend who thought that it was ok to act like you are single when you have a family, it is NOT ok. 

It MAY be ok if it is mutually agreed that you BOTH are allowed to act that way but not if only one of you is acting that way and the other isn't or even allowed to do the same.  Even if you're miserable and unhappy in a relationship, you do not act inappropriately out of respect for that person and your family. If you're unhappy and hate someone, leave them, break up with them, or divorce them. Acting out of bounds is not ok, especially if you both have said cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone.  Inappropriate actions and situations are going to get you there.   You are not allowed to disrespect someone in a way that would make you angry if they were to do what you are doing. It is totally OK to have friends of the opposite sex, close friends with whom you talk to and chill with. But it is not ok when you continue to put yourself in situations where it would put you in question on the outside from others who would see it and question your actions.  For jokes to be made about "pissing off both your wives" by your supposedly "best friends" who are of the opposite sex, to have text and chat messages every single day about meeting for lunch, coffee, and drinks after work every night for over a year and not having to account for where you been and with whom to your family at home is a definite lack of respect.  The ultimate actor, portraying the tired, stressed, super busy role to people so they think you're just hard at work. That in turns has broken trust and has taken full advantage of having freedom you never earned. It may be ok if your other half does the same thing you are doing and it doesn't bother either of you. But if you're going to be pissy and have a shitty attitude about your other half making friends of the opposite sex and make them feel guilty for even having that friendship, you are NOT allowed to do the same thing that you would be upset about.  If you look at yourself and what you're doing, and think, "Hey, if they did this to me, I'd be upset", then don't do it. Selfish and self centered people don't belong in relationships. Relationships mean compromise, sacrifice, trust, respect, and love. 
  

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Beach life

Plans with kids never go as planned. Woke up early to pick up a friend and go get us a plot at the community garden. Then planned a hike. Little did we know it was going to take two hours, scorching hot weather before we could get a spot. Kids were losing it and I was too. But, we got the spot, key in hand, and lots of plans. Hiking was out of the question after making two little kids wait for two hours so we decided on beach day!  We had planned to go to turtle bay since we wanted to try a mellow spot for the kids to snorkel but on our way there we got hit with the craziest traffic and had to turn around. Drove the other direction to head to baby maks and what was supposed to be a 30 minute drive to the beach ended up an hour!! By the time we got there the kids were going crazy but they were happy. It was a nice day to just sit back and let my body recharge from the week. Let it rest and let my achilles and shins heal. Definitely need to find more time to be around good people who will improve the quality of life and make you realize that you need to respect yourself and do something for you sometimes. =)




Sunday, August 11, 2013

Outdoor Rain Workouts

Running in the rain is one of my favorites. I don't know why maybe because its chilly and gloomy and makes me less hot. All that goes on is trying to push through it and getting somewhere. Rain for the day on the other hand, not so fun because there isn't much else to do with two little boys who need to get energy out or they will drive me nuts a d eat everything in the house. 

My friend and I planned a 6a hike to some secret place she went on a week before but this crazy weather appeared the night before and wouldn't let up. Hiking in the rain in my opinion is little too dangerous because of all the mud and not being able to see ahead. The problem is once he alarm goes off, I can never go back to sleep or it will take a few hours to fall back asleep and then the kids will wake up and it'd be too late. So we decided to just go to the easy hike that had a paved path so we could at least go outside and make use of us being up already. It was probably one of the most fun times ever. Cold and windy. Good conversation and the only time I feel like I can escape the ugliness I have to deal with on a daily basis. This lack of respect and common courtesy has really taken its toll on me. If only I had more time in the days everyday to do something that would help clear my head.

How can you teach an old person to be respectful and caring?  It's already hard to teach your little kids that.. stubborn, old and egotistic = impossible to help.  The most frustrating part is the lack of respect for other people and things that aren't his and the irresponsibility.  That gets me everytime.  How do you grow up not treating things with care and making sure you return things you borrow in the same condition if not better, than when you got it?  Or putting other people first once in a while ahead of your own wants and needs?  And the mentality is childish where he bad mouths friends who has relationships where they respect their partners and check in and do stuff saying things like "oh, he's stuck in this" or "she makes him do all kinds of stuff that's why he calls all the time" etc etc, but he's seriously lacking the understanding is that's what people do when they respect someone.  My own parents taught me that growing up.  Just make sure they knew where I was and with who or if I were late, to make sure they know so they don't worry.  My husband has no clue.  I don't make him do any of it because he wouldn't like it.  Yet, he doesn't seem to get how lucky that is.  That I never question him or say "When are you coming home?" "where are you" "Who are you with" etc etc..he takes advantage of his freedom and yet doesn't ever appreciate it.  Yet he never stops to think, I should let her know I'm either late or early today so she can plan the rest of her night.  I can never know if I can run or not because he never cares to let me know that he's late or coming early.  Sitting there feeding kids dinner every night wondering if I should just relax and make a drink, or throw on the running clothes and get ready to go when he gets home.  Never caring about what someone else may be thinking about...how nice it must be to live this carefree life and not have to answer to anyone.  That's the life of a single person.  Not a person who has a wife and kids.  But then again, my own fault for letting him do this to us.

Keep in mind, my hubby isn't so awful and a lot could be worse =)
He doesn't hit me and has always supported me in my interests..granted, he doesn't help me unless I say I NEED AN HOUR FOR THIS THING I HAVE TO DO and I plan and schedule it way in advance to make sure its ok with HIS schedule, he never says YOU CAN"T RUN OR HIKE and he never complains to me about my changing interests in buying and selling stuff to make money.  So in all that, at least I am free to do things like that as long as it's not affecting his life/schedule/wants, I can do them....I can't come and go as I please with that freedom and no one to yell or question what I am doing like he has....but at least I don't have him be this way and then also tell me I can't buy this or that or do certain things....=)  Have to take the tiny positives that I can, right?

Motivational shirts from runlikeagirlbc make me happy
Waterfalls on the highway

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

On The Outside

Got to hike with my outdoor partner for the first time in almost 4 months. Maybe longer. She hurt her knees on our annual 10k race and was out of commission for a long time. We went to the falls this past Saturday and it was so nice to get back into the groove. Lots to catch up on and lots more forests to see!! 


Jump into the ice pond!

The next day I went on another hike with an awesome girl I met on the hiking group a few weeks ago. She took me to a nice one. It was awful desert hot but at the top was a nice forest and view worth hiking for.  It was an intermediate hike and was pretty good that I hope I can join some of the advance hikes that have been coming up soon. So many new places I want to explore but I am unsure of my level of hiking ability and would hate to hold anyone back.  Its so nice to try new places with people who know the trails so I can go again on my own the next time, or explore and see where I can start running them on my own. My next and future goal is to start trail running on top of regular road runs and hiking. I need to get off this rock sometimes. So many mountains to see. Definitely added to a list of things I must do before I die. 

She's a better hiker than I am :


Morning drives

Sunday, July 21, 2013

My Only Escape

Running, hiking, and anything that will help heal my head have been the only thing I can turn to when I need it most.  It is hard to get moving when pretty much everyone you know doesn't like to be active or say they like to but don't actually follow through.  MY good friend who I used to hike with on the weekends hurt her knees months ago on a run and I haven't ran or hiked with her in a long time.  I kept up the runs and increase with time and speed slowly..I find I run best alone with my head, music, pain.  But hiking is another story.  I like hiking alone if I know it but I won't try new ones alone because I don't know the trail and would hate to get lost or something happen and I am alone.  I like to try it once with someone who has done it first then I will go alone on the next time.  Saturday, I got the courage to FINALLY join a group I knew about who hike almost every weekend.  It was months since I looked them up and finally decided to get up the nerve and just show up.  It was a trail I really wanted to go try so I can start running it on my own time.  Perfect timing.  I have to say it was really a great experience and it was so nice to meet some awesome people young and old.  Everyone had a different story or issue they were dealing with on their own and it feels good to be surrounded by people who can share the common love of exploring and getting healthy.  Next time I'm definitely going with the intermediate half and doing the 6 hour hike.  I hope I can keep joining at least once a month so I can try new places for my future runs.  I need to stop pounding pavement and running trails more often..these would help me find new places to explore. =)








Sunday, April 28, 2013

Memories Like Death

My therapist used to tell me that my feelings and tears about changes in life or memories about things are like a death in the family for me. That's why I always feel this great sadness or sinking feeling when I move to a new home or look at old photos of when I was a kid or just thinking back to things I always did or done and how I don't do them now as an adult. Reading stories about happy things in life makes me cry as well. I hate that part of me. I hate that I have a hard time letting go of things. I'm sure when my kids get big and I look at their pictures, I will be bawling at the table all by myself just because I don't have that anymore. It's ridiculous and yet that's such a part of who I am. Epic emotional stupidity. The part of me as a teenager who could sink into depression listening to Portishead in my room and cry. No matter how much I try to do the opposite of that, I can't seem to fucking make it not a part of my head.
When you wake up everyday, hoping you will think and feel differently about certain situations, but it hasn't changed since yesterday...it doesn't feel good. Holding onto the negative emotions is so hard. As much as I try to push it out of my head I can't seem to win. All this built up resentment? Or disappointment? has me feeling annoyed and angry which I completely don't like to feel.  I've always been the one who thought, its harder to be mad or mean to someone that it is to be nice be happy. Yet, I think me always being nice and trying to help everyone and make things ok with all around me has made me become a wreck in some ways. It takes a lot for me to have a 180 degree view on anyone or thing. A lot. So whatever it as that got me there, hard to say it can flip back. It would have taken a lot of my energy and emotional efforts to try to always make things right. To a point where that bottle is empty and never refilled. That's where it has to go to get me where I am.


Today was one of those days where the few things that have been emotionally upsetting, that I had tried to push on the side to keep moving forward,  came flying at me like a rush of water all at once and it showed in my actions and emotions on my face. I could feel the negative energy coming out of me and I hate that. I hate that I let things affect my life, feelings and actions. I want to just run and run and run until my legs hurt and I can't think of anything else but the pain in my body. Physical is always so much easier to deal with than the mental. Sort of like when someone hurts their arm and you tell them, "want me to punch the other one?" Cause it takes away the pain from the soreness hahaha.  I need to stop letting things affect me and my emotions as much. Knowing is one thing but doing is another. Something I've battled all my life. I've know this as a child and yet I haven't figured out the answer to fix it. Talking to a girl who used to cry at night having thoughts about my mom dying when she gets old. Mental problems?  Yes, I think so.

I need to do better to teach my children not to become like me. I want them to be better humans, adults, brothers, husbands, sons and friends.  I want so much more for them than what I am. I want them to be confident, strong, and not be pushed over by everyone because you always try to make everyone else happy before yourself. That there is a line between doing for yourself, being selfish, and overdoing for everyone.  Everyday, that is what I remind myself. Teach them the good things so they can be the best for the people around them when I'm not around. If that's all I'm here for for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that. =)





Sunday, March 17, 2013

Lots of Things Moving Forward

This new years started off with more telling myself that I will keep on moving and progressing in growing as a person and adult..In my adulthood I've had a lot of growing up to do and as tough as things can get it DOES help me learn to be me and be strong. I have slowly stopped letting everyone and everything else hold me back from being me and actually standing up for myself and saying "Screw that, I am going to do this whether you're with me or not" and it's helped me really gain some of my own "self" back which I have really lost the last decade or so.

Still dealing with many health and lower stomach issues..which when I look back I think I have anxiety but I also don't think the doctors had really solved the issues and now seeing the naturopath, he seems to actually be on a road to recovery..let's hope so. My stomach for year I have suffered with it being bloated and sore and had no idea why..nothing showed up that I had anything wrong..and for over a year I have seriously ate healthy and worked out like a madwoman and couldnt see a change in weight/size and actually kept getting bigger..no grains, gluten, wheat, dairy and still nothing..In comes the naturopath and listened to my issues and said I may have hypothyroid even if it shows normal in my bloodwork...so lets see if this herbal way will help. He also said my gallbladder was not working right which is why I had these weird oily poop (TMI!) so I started less than 5 days ago and so far seems like I see a slight change in my giant bloated stomach but I also have the wrost strep throat right now and can't see if I am getting better yet. Can't wait til I am not sick and in bed to see if things are getting back to normal..

here is a pic of my stomach in the morning without even eating!
 

Been feeling really lazy lately and not cooking so many fun things probably because I cannot eat most of them with all my limitation. But I do still cook some foods that I cannot eat just because. Especially when the kids want something like pancakes and they don't feel good. How can I not make them something.

some of the amazing sunrises this year
I'm going to get back into the cooking soon..and this year has been set for a lot of changes and new things and MORE hardcore excursions..I can't wait. Thanks to a few really good friends who have been supporting me with the outdoor excursions, it's been really fun to just get out there and be with people who can push you to keep going longer, faster, harder. 2013 here we come!
my good friend and outdoor partner
dinner for the family
some dinners..lucky i love broccoli
little love had hand foot and mouth it was awful
morning trails
little man's 3rd birthday and big brother

some really awesome people. we did it!!!!
can't say no to making kids pancakes from scratch when they are sick