Saturday, June 22, 2013

Happy birthday

Yesterday was my birthday and 7 year anniversary. We are not people who ever really celebrate or do anything special for holidays and bdays. Only when it is for the kids. I grew up not making it a big deal and I don't believe you should have to be nice on Mother's Day or Father's Day or thanksgiving and valentines just because the calendar has it written. Its lame. But I swear, everything in the last year or two has been worse and worse. In the past year, its been the worst year, Christmas was awful, New Years was completely lame, and my birthday was completely lame spent crying in a car alone for an hour, rockets bday was spent without their dad, not that he wasn't here, he just didn't come to dinner, a good friend of mine decided that me not being at her baby shower was the end of the world and stopped speaking to me.  It will keep going and I'm thinking that if it is like hell, I have to keep on moving because if we're at the bottom it has to get better. 
I'm an emotional mess because I have always been one. And ultra sensitive and easily hurt by people. I tend to hold everything negative said and done forever and remember the hurt and pain and carry it with me. I can easily let someone show little improvement and get hope, then, because it is not whole hearted on their side, it never lasts and I get easily let down. Like a horrible ride on a roller coaster. My therapist used to say its always a huge up and down that I been saying for years and years and no change.  Mostly because the person who has to try hard isn't really trying hard and is only doing a temporary short term attempt to patch it up like a child apologizing to a parent for their mistakes and being good for a week but going back and doing the same stuff weeks later. Up and down the heart goes. At some point your heart can't handle all of that. 

Last night was a fail. The kids and I actually wanted to just stay home all night. But hubs wants us to stop by a  store opening and I didn't want to be mean and not at least say hi so dragged my kids there. Whining and saying no we don't want to go. I said we will say hi and then go eat dinner somewhere instead. Super super crowded and hubs is cruising with friends in back we say hi. Kids see foosball table and don't wanna leave. Its jam packed with people in a little store at night and definitely not a place for little kids to be hanging out with adults and young adults mingling and drinking beers. This is a scene you don't normaly see me in. I don't like crowded places and social events. Especially when I have kids and not familiar with most people out and people banging into me and standing next to me practically touching is my worst nightmare. My social anxiety is already as bad as it can get. Standing around is not my thing. So you'd think, on my birthday, my hubs who knows this would think, "cassie doesn't like this stuff. No way she would want to be here and spend her night here". Nope, I wanna go home, be comfy in my house and eat dinner. Its 8p and my kids (who eat early) never ate yet. They want to stay to play the foosball. So I say I'm going home stay with dad. But I worry they wil be starving and I wanted to spend my birthday having dinner with my kids. So I sat in the car alone and crying because I was sad and I was worried as well. My hubs said "you have anxiety?" I said no I just don't want to spend my birthday at a thing like this. He acted like I was saying the worst thing and backed up like I as yelling. And was like "oh sorry" raising hands up like I was attacking. Wtf!  He knows me. That's the craziest part.  He knows that I would never be at a place like this on a normal night and to ask me to be here and not understand why I want to go home was just another one of the things that make me wonder why people can be so un-thoughtful. He may be into this stuff. He loves social things. He only wants to be out and about partying, hanging with friends and people all night but I'm not. Goes to show that 10 years you are with someone and they still don't think to put others before themselves. Even with kids you need to learn to be a little less selfish and a little more selfless. But I think for men, its not so easy. My kids came home not too long later and we ate left overs in the kitchen while hubby went back to the event. Me and the kids is how I would have liked it anyway. Watching kids shows, eating, me scolding them for fighting. But all in all, those little kids are my life. Its what keeps me going because when my life feels the worst at time, I know I have to keep going. For them. 

I need to run this weekend. Will probably help get all this pent up anger out. When you put you body through the ringer, it really helps ease the other hurt emotionally hahahah 

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