Saturday, September 28, 2013

We Are Who We Are

There has never been a time when I couldn't sit back and think about how things work. The same goes with everything in my life. No matter what the issues were, I think (at least I truly believe I am this way) that I have always been able to try to see the other point and try to do the best for everyone. My mom used to always say I was the peacemaker. Never wanting to step on anyone's toes and make everything happy. In the end, that has always bitten me in the ass and the only person who suffered has been myself. But inside, it has made me stronger and has let me see characters in people that I used to always pride my mom on. She was always able to look and hear someone and have a good judge of how someone is. I take longer to do it (years sometimes), but I have been able to see the bigger picture and try to let that person be how they are because I see it in them. That is pretty much how my husband has been for me.  As much as he has his negatives, I've always known he had a good heart, never TRYING to be hurtful spitefully, and had so much good in him, he just didn't have the bone in his body to be the father and husband he could be. I've always said and known that he's a free spirit. And you really can't cage a person who is one. That person has to want to change their way of life in their own time. I've always told him that I know you, you are you and I don't ever want to be the person to make you be someone you aren't. And that if you just don't want the responsibility, I'd be ok with it if you said so. I've always tried to give him that OUT. The easier way to say ya, I can't do this. Not because he's mean or terrible. Some people just aren't cut out for responsibility and tied down. I don't blame him for spending all his years doing as he pleased and not having worked or had to answer to anyone. He has always been the happiest and at peace when he would just last minute decide to go on a trip and surf. That's the life he's lived and to this day, that's what he enjoys and wants to do. This trip to Vegas to visit my family has shown me that. He didn't even tell me he was leaving on a surf trip while I was going to be gone with the kids visiting parents and as upset as I was for being left in the dust like I've been the last 10 years, I had to see that to finally get the clouds parting. Never having a plan, never knowing what was going on, basically being the on call nanny, cook, wife, maid, bookkeeper, etc is tough. It's the basic lack of respect that has finally taken its toll on me. But after all that, I saw it clearly. This is the life he loves. This is what he wants to do. He will never admit it because deep down, I believe he is fighting his own demons and battles. Because of the good heart he has, I know that he must know the right and wrong. That he knows what he "should" do because it's what he thinks he should do as a father and husband, but what he wants is opposite, to live carefree, have no responsibilities and live how he's always loved, but have what he has at home as well (basically have your cake and eat it too). If I look at it from that prospective, I can only imagine how hard it is. If you cannot accept yourself because you think its not right or think you're not doing right, I would not be stoked either. He has to come to the acceptance of it and own up to it. I've given him many outs over the many years. Always saying, if you can't handle it, can't do it, I'm ok with it. You just need to say it so I can accept that. I would never be mad at someone for admitting the truth no matter how good or bad it makes someone look, I'd always respect the honest truth. But I think someone who struggles with that and can't figure out on their own what they are doing, it is impossible. He needs to go through his demons and deal with them. But it also means that I need to be the strong one and make the decision for us to do what best because I cannot wait another ten years for him to decide what demons he is dealing with. He needs to be happy. And seeing him pick up and go like he's always done is how he's showed me his life is like all these years, what life I have with the kids is not going to fit in anywhere. Words are only words. But actions and how you portray your life is what speaks thousandfold. I never want to be the person to make someone miserable. I've always said that to him. I just wished he would feel that way about me and accept himself as well. Its funny how everything seems to light the path when you least expect it.

My trip here was so short but it was so nice to see my parents. I hadn't seen my mom in a year and a half. I got to see my really good friends Todd and Rheanne and I hadn't realized how good it was to see them. They were family to me for so long. Everything happens for a reason. Whatever it is, whatever the reason, things happen to keep us growing stronger as people. There is so much life to be lived. We have to live it and keep moving ahead wherever it may be. 

Did I mention I am in love with mountains? Lol
Red rock canyon. I intend to explore this better next time I come here!

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Sitting Back

This is said and thought all the time. I want my kids to grow up to be good people. Be able to take care of themselves and those they love.  Its a huge responsibility as a parent. Maybe not everyone thinks this way but I catch myself often yelling and dislike myself for my reaction. 
Somehow with everything that has been said, actions mean more than words as I've always believed. So I just sit back and watch it unfold in front of me. Keep quiet and observe. That's something I've been doing for a while now but more so as I look for all the different paths in life. You cannot make people change if they don't truly have the inner heart and mind to change for themselves. To be better for themselves so they can be better for those around them. We can only grow and strengthen our own minds because its by choice. You can choose to continue the same path you've always walked because its comfortable and known. Or you can choose to walk another path without the knowledge of what's ahead. Only believing that somewhere down the line, you'll look back and have no regrets. Changing ourselves or lives is a tough road and constant work. Wonder what will happen next?  What new obstacle will I get out in front of my path? 

I love my kids.