Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Gave it My Best

I can say I gave it my best the last ten years. Tried every different angle to get things going but in the end, I just couldn't do it alone. I didn't sign up to be a samurai wife to be home alone every night to raise the kids and be quiet don't say a word leave me to do what I want kind of lifestyle.  The kids and I deserved to be a part of a whole family at least an hour a week to be loved. That never seemed so much to ask but it was asking more than could be given.  When life is constantly in motion because of one person holding everything up, it's like the car that gets stuck in a ditch at the side of the road, no matter how much I tried to push the car out, I was after all, a little girl who was only so strong and couldn't muster up enough strength to push that 10000000 pound car over the bump. If the driver or passenger doesn't want to lift a finger to help get the car out of a jam, you're the only one left and you definitely need help unless you're the HULK with inhuman strength.  I keep thinking that I should have just kept pushing but it would have broken my heart and spirit to a point I don't think I could ever recover.  Had I kept up as much as I had, and I let it go another 10 years, it may not ever be reversable. My mind keeps going back and forth between the consequences of either path I took and none was a win-win. Yet I chose to give my kids and myself a fighting chance to lead a life that might be happier in the long run. No knowledge of what will happen but knowing that the other path may have led to a darker time had I stayed. My own spirit had been shoved into a tomb over the years. As if no one cared that I also had a heart and I was left to be treated like a lowly servant who deserved nothing but to be locked up in the home to do her duty with no care that I was a human being too. Changing my life is not something I have been strong with. I have the hardest time with change and this has been many at one time which makes it so much harder to handle. But I am a mom first and I cannot break down and burst into tears in case they see me crying. It wouldn't do to show my kids I'm sad. They don't need that. I hope after everything settles, I will feel like the choices have been the right ones and my sadness is only temporary. All I do is for them and I hope they will understand how much I care and love them. At times like this I definitely need to meet my maker or have some words with him/her. But I don't know who or how. Give me strength because I definitely need it most now.

One of the last sun rises before we left 
Last morning glass chats with a friend I will miss a lot

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