Sunday, April 28, 2013

Memories Like Death

My therapist used to tell me that my feelings and tears about changes in life or memories about things are like a death in the family for me. That's why I always feel this great sadness or sinking feeling when I move to a new home or look at old photos of when I was a kid or just thinking back to things I always did or done and how I don't do them now as an adult. Reading stories about happy things in life makes me cry as well. I hate that part of me. I hate that I have a hard time letting go of things. I'm sure when my kids get big and I look at their pictures, I will be bawling at the table all by myself just because I don't have that anymore. It's ridiculous and yet that's such a part of who I am. Epic emotional stupidity. The part of me as a teenager who could sink into depression listening to Portishead in my room and cry. No matter how much I try to do the opposite of that, I can't seem to fucking make it not a part of my head.
When you wake up everyday, hoping you will think and feel differently about certain situations, but it hasn't changed since doesn't feel good. Holding onto the negative emotions is so hard. As much as I try to push it out of my head I can't seem to win. All this built up resentment? Or disappointment? has me feeling annoyed and angry which I completely don't like to feel.  I've always been the one who thought, its harder to be mad or mean to someone that it is to be nice be happy. Yet, I think me always being nice and trying to help everyone and make things ok with all around me has made me become a wreck in some ways. It takes a lot for me to have a 180 degree view on anyone or thing. A lot. So whatever it as that got me there, hard to say it can flip back. It would have taken a lot of my energy and emotional efforts to try to always make things right. To a point where that bottle is empty and never refilled. That's where it has to go to get me where I am.

Today was one of those days where the few things that have been emotionally upsetting, that I had tried to push on the side to keep moving forward,  came flying at me like a rush of water all at once and it showed in my actions and emotions on my face. I could feel the negative energy coming out of me and I hate that. I hate that I let things affect my life, feelings and actions. I want to just run and run and run until my legs hurt and I can't think of anything else but the pain in my body. Physical is always so much easier to deal with than the mental. Sort of like when someone hurts their arm and you tell them, "want me to punch the other one?" Cause it takes away the pain from the soreness hahaha.  I need to stop letting things affect me and my emotions as much. Knowing is one thing but doing is another. Something I've battled all my life. I've know this as a child and yet I haven't figured out the answer to fix it. Talking to a girl who used to cry at night having thoughts about my mom dying when she gets old. Mental problems?  Yes, I think so.

I need to do better to teach my children not to become like me. I want them to be better humans, adults, brothers, husbands, sons and friends.  I want so much more for them than what I am. I want them to be confident, strong, and not be pushed over by everyone because you always try to make everyone else happy before yourself. That there is a line between doing for yourself, being selfish, and overdoing for everyone.  Everyday, that is what I remind myself. Teach them the good things so they can be the best for the people around them when I'm not around. If that's all I'm here for for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that. =)