Thursday, December 26, 2013

Floods

I haven't had the chance to really cry my heart out since we left for this wierd new city. My heart wanted to stay home where my familiarity and handful of true friends were nearby but we couldn't stay for just that. I definitely will need the help soon when I find a decent job so my family can help with picking up kids from school or homework if I can't be there. Sitters and daycare are expensive everywhere and if we stayed, that plus cost of living would make life impossible. At least here, the cost of living is less than half that of HI so its manageable without me having to work two jobs to keep afloat and still be able to raise my kids and be a part of their lives without relying so much on others. I have had many ups and downs this past few weeks and had small tears but tonight really just shook me and I couldn't help but bawl in my towel. I have no where to go with this hurt. And my kids cannot see that either. They have adapted so seamlessly that the last thing I want is for them to associate anything with sadness. The one positive of their father being non existent in their lives all these years is that they do lot see any change in routine. While I've seen a few friends who separated have had their little ones have a harder time adjusting because they had both parents home at least for dinner every night. So when you take that away it confuses them. Luckily my kids didn't have to deal with that. But I am the one who is sad and hurt and depressed. I know from advice and my own head, that it will be better if I can pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. It's just fresh and needs to be healed. Crying has helped a little. 

A friend had said she was sad and couldn't understand why he treated her like  a doormat. sad that She let him treat her like shit for so long and that as the years went on the more bitchy She became. She used to be so in love with him but for whatever reason She just was not what he wanted and She didnt understand why he married her.  This was almost exactly what she said and I felt like it was myself talking. Made me want to reach out and hug her even through 5,000 miles of ocean.  Through all of this, I've got a renewed love and appreciation for the few awesome friends I have and hold them dear for being such strong and supportive humans. Let's hope my next post will be of smiles. 



On one good note in this odd and transient city, I have met a few nice ladies whom I run with and that's my only outlet to normality. Running. Although running with a group is another Huge change since I've always run solo (if I got the chance to run when everyone was sleeping), this is a welcome change. Let's hope this is a step to better days. 

I have managed to see some gorgeous sunrises because of my runs. 





Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Gave it My Best

I can say I gave it my best the last ten years. Tried every different angle to get things going but in the end, I just couldn't do it alone. I didn't sign up to be a samurai wife to be home alone every night to raise the kids and be quiet don't say a word leave me to do what I want kind of lifestyle.  The kids and I deserved to be a part of a whole family at least an hour a week to be loved. That never seemed so much to ask but it was asking more than could be given.  When life is constantly in motion because of one person holding everything up, it's like the car that gets stuck in a ditch at the side of the road, no matter how much I tried to push the car out, I was after all, a little girl who was only so strong and couldn't muster up enough strength to push that 10000000 pound car over the bump. If the driver or passenger doesn't want to lift a finger to help get the car out of a jam, you're the only one left and you definitely need help unless you're the HULK with inhuman strength.  I keep thinking that I should have just kept pushing but it would have broken my heart and spirit to a point I don't think I could ever recover.  Had I kept up as much as I had, and I let it go another 10 years, it may not ever be reversable. My mind keeps going back and forth between the consequences of either path I took and none was a win-win. Yet I chose to give my kids and myself a fighting chance to lead a life that might be happier in the long run. No knowledge of what will happen but knowing that the other path may have led to a darker time had I stayed. My own spirit had been shoved into a tomb over the years. As if no one cared that I also had a heart and I was left to be treated like a lowly servant who deserved nothing but to be locked up in the home to do her duty with no care that I was a human being too. Changing my life is not something I have been strong with. I have the hardest time with change and this has been many at one time which makes it so much harder to handle. But I am a mom first and I cannot break down and burst into tears in case they see me crying. It wouldn't do to show my kids I'm sad. They don't need that. I hope after everything settles, I will feel like the choices have been the right ones and my sadness is only temporary. All I do is for them and I hope they will understand how much I care and love them. At times like this I definitely need to meet my maker or have some words with him/her. But I don't know who or how. Give me strength because I definitely need it most now.

One of the last sun rises before we left 
Last morning glass chats with a friend I will miss a lot