Saturday, December 27, 2014

Ending the year with changes

Been a while since I've written an entry. Just been a little hectic with the holiday training for work and my constant long commutes between states. I'm so grateful I have my parents who have put in so much time and energy to help me raise the kids in the best way possible so that I can have these opportunities. Otherwise I would never have been able to do this. The kids are in the best hands and have grown to be such well mannered boys. They have so much more to learn but have developed such good things in the last year. So many things have changed and my life is definitely not what I would ever have imagined a year ago.  Life is bittersweet because I never wanted to be the parent that had to be away working so much and not being able to be with my kids all the time.  Yet, it is nice to have work and continue growing.  I just hate that this is where my life has taken me.  I have to work so much in order to BARELY survive supporting the kids and the constant stress of wondering if I will ever be able to move out and have our own place is giving me anxiety.   I want to move out but if I do I will have to work even more which makes it harder for me knowing that I don't have as much time to spend all day with the kids like I used to.  Being broke and struggling to even buy groceries was tough but at least I was a stay at home mom and able to take care of them in my own way, now I have to work so much and I am glad that I know they are in good hands when I am working, but it still makes me want to cry knowing I am missing everything.

There are so many new changes happening at this very moment and I have no idea where my life is going to end up but everything will fall into place and I have to learn to stop worrying so much. It just adds to my anxiety when there isn't anything I can do about things I cannot predict and control. 

The new store has been amazing and they made me feel at home instantly. Thank goodness for the amazing little team I have to work with. I'm stoked. Although I'm exhausted everyday and I never wanted to be that mom who had to work and be away from my kids so much, so is life and that I cannot change. I hope someday All of this is worth it and I can have more time to spend as a family instead of always working. 

Until then, I am trying to enjoy every moment I can and do things with them my sister brought them down to San Diego this weekend so my parents could have a break and I didn't have to drive so far for he weekend it's beenawesome. And so glad I have such great support from everyone. This is a great way to end the year can't wait to have christmas with everyone. 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Baking is my Relaxer

I always liked cooking and baking and have fallen off for a while when I sunk into my darkness. Sometimes it will make a reappearance but always disappear. Lately I've been making a couple of vegan or almost vegan snacks so I don't eat so much junk. It's nice to go back to my plant based lifestyle. I have realized how much my stomach is affected by animal based food even in small amounts. Because I've been eating clean for a while now, everytime I've started to indulge in the junk and give in to my ice cream cravings, I find my stomach back to its bloated painful state.

Today, since I had a Sunday off (unheard of!), I decided to bake the pumpkin muffin recipe from MyWholeFoodLife that I had been meaning to make. The pumpkin was sitting in the cabinet for a while because I never got around to making it. The monkey bread was always the most made item for me so this was a nice change. It is almost vegan if I hadn't added the semisweet chocolate chips and added carob chips instead. But all I had was the semi sweet so it's almost vegan =)

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Challenges and Growth

The boys are growing up so fast. It's bittersweet. I'm happy to see them growing and being more independent, but sad because they don't need me as much as they have. It's a battle between them driving me insane and missing them when I don't see them. 

So many changes are happening towards the end of 2014 and it's hard to wrap my head around everything. I had meltdown after meltdown because there are so many new changes at once it scares the hell out of me but I know that that is why I need to face them rather than run from them like I would have always done. My job always tells me that when it's hard and it's work, it is helping me. It is my "work" when I'm challenged to do something I'm scared of.   

Work-life balance

Everything that has happened in the last year has challenged me and what worked out for the best has always been because I did opposite of what I would have normally done. So everything will find a way to work itself out. I have to constantly tell myself that and hear the reassurance from close family and friends or I may sink into a dark hole.

The weather has been beautiful lately and it's been so amazing to take the kids out even for an hour on a short hike before work. It's so hard to let go of being a parent when there are so many other responsibilities to juggle and I always feel a guilt inside when I can't be there for everything like I used to. In the end, I know I'm trying everything I can to fit in little bits in between work to make time even if it's for a short time. No one said life and parenting was easy. It's definitely more challenging for someone like me who feels guilty and responsible for everything no matter what the situation. I need to learn to not feel responsible and guilty as much as I do. Work In Progress.  


Saturday, October 4, 2014

Life is Work

In a span of a month since my last post, there have been so many random experiences and decisions to make.  Shows you just how much life can throw obstacles in your path.

Never been comfortable with making decisions and change, I have always been one to run away from having to face them.  If something amazing came up or an awesome opportunity could present itself, I would get to the final point and then back out because I was afraid of change and comfortable just staying stagnant because it was easier than making waves in the water.

Explaining that to my KL the other night she told me this is why I'm working on changing that..doing things differently.  As hard as it may be, I have to work on myself and doing things because it's WORK.  It isn't easy that's why I need to make these choices and changes....

LIFEEEEEEEEE is not easy..but I am doing these things to get a better job and paid more to help support my kids.  I want to be able to move out of my parents house and support my kids, pay for their preschool and school activities and not be struggling so badly that I worry about everything.  Who wants to be 35 and living at home with's definintely not good for my soul.  I love my family and so grateful for their help in this gave the kids a chance to get to know them and learn SOOOO many amazing teachings from them...but I don't want to be dependent on them and we need to all be happy.

Outside of life changes, I've been able to explore a lot in various's been nice.  The weather has been changing to fall weather which is the best thing ever.  Hiking has resumed with the kids.  It is so nice to be able to share that part of my life with the kids..I want them to grow up remembering these memories and hopefully continuing to lead an outdoor, active life.  I didn't have that growing up and I was never atheltic, nor did I have the drive to be active.  Now that I am, I wished I had done this all my life.  I hope the kids will take these experiences and lead a healthy lifestyle in the future.  They do complain a bit..especially Rocket because he is small but I keep explaining to him that he needs to do these things and hard as they may be, they are good for him and his health..appreciate nature and outdoors..the Earth we live on and the reason we are living.  As much as I am a person of the electronics world, I do think everything needs balance. I want them to have both worlds..

Some amazing sunsets and nature he last month

First time having a Moscow mule. I'm sold. The cup was the selling point hahaha

Can't wait to take my kids to see this soon 

Fall is back and it makes me smile. Sharing my fave pastime with them makes my heart burst with happiness 

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Growing Up and Life's Obstacles

Oh, how time flies. This year is almost over and it feels like it was just January!  I can't believe rocket is turning 5 in 4 months. It feels like we just had his bday dinner yesterday. Z is 8 and it seems like he was just 5 years old. He's so much more like a big boy now. He no longer wants us to walk him to classes and he really has grown up to start reading stories to his brother and become such a big brother. My parents have been doing such an amazing job teaching them good manners and how to be good boys. More than I think I could ever teach them. I feel this constant guilt for being so busy all the time with work, working out, and extra curricular stuff that keeps me from being home and my parents doing most of the work,  but I'm really amazed at how well they have grown up. As broke as I am, I'm going to have to stop saving for my future rent and use that money to send rocket to preschool. He's totally ready and it would also give my mom some time to herself. I'm thinking about two days a week to start and see how things go. 

photo credit- grandma:

Sister and her husband came to visit for a few days and they had the best time with uncle Derek. He spent quality time with them and they were super stoked. 

There have been so many things happening in my life. So many things to consider and make decisions on and I have been going insane trying to juggle everything. So many good things and some stressful things but nothing that cannot be dealt with in time. Everything gets thrown at us for a reason. If life were easy, we'd never appreciate everything amazing that comes along. 

Work has been interesting. There have been sooooo many opportunities to think about its been giving me anxiety because I'm so bad at making decisions and committing to things. But I really need to think about what I want and what path to take. They ask me all the time about my goals and it gives me anxiety just because its hard for me to make decisions and I need to listen and "get out of my head" as they tell me. Over thinking gets me nowhere. At least the way *I* over think about my choices. I have a hard time figuring out what to do because I get so attached to people and things. I love my store, the people I work with and the comfort of it all. We shall see what happens =) i have the best coworkers and boss ever. 

Some of the most amazing sunrises and sunsets lately on drives 

Got to experience the Getty was beautiful

Lucky to have the best of friends who love to cook as much as I do and I am truly spoiled by everyone. And oh, how much I love the west coast and all the freshness that comes with it. Being at the farmers market and watching little kids running through the grass made me cry reminding me of being back in Hawaii and all the awesome memories of the neighborhood kids and fresh produce.

Got to catch up with some old homies from Hawaii at Uncle Todd & Aunty Rheanne's house..Enjoyed good food and drinks. I'm truly grateful for the people in our lives. The kids are very lucky. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Feeling Fresh

Everyday feels fresh. Monsoon season has lasted quite long here in the desert and everyone says there hasn't been this much rain ever. I'm pretty happy to hear that.  Maybe I brought from Hawaii rain to Vegas. 

I got to see a double rainbow and the super moon this morning on my hike/run at red rock before work. It was beautiful and refreshing. 

A few weeks ago I was back in LA visiting friends for a few days and went back to my favorite vegan place with friends. It is so nice to have fam not so far away. Who ever thought 3 hours of driving was not a big deal? Lol. It totally isn't anymore.  

Lucky to have fam who loves to cook

First time seeing lotus blossoms in person. Amazingly gorgeous. 
Been seeing a ton of gorgeous beach sunsets lately.  Totally miss the ocean. 

We dawn patrolled two weeks ago and had the best time at mount charleston. I need to explore that more. It's the one place I said i would live in if I had to stay in nevada. I'd love to lose myself in a little cabin in the mountain and I'd be pretty stoked. It was the first time I saw a deer in person and soooo close. It's was beauitful.  

I don't think there will ever be a time that I won't look at sunrise/sunset and nature and not appreciate how amazing it is. Its so cosmic. Wish I could get lost in it and some mountain and disappear with the kids. Constantly daydreaming about how to get to that point. Life would be even more amazing than it already seems to be going. 

A good friend Keith and his lady got z a late bday present and sent stuff for rocket and I as well. Nothing nicer than people who are thoughtful and actually out time in to think of the things that would matter. Presents don't matter its the thought that went into it. He's been there since I was 17 years old. I'll always be grateful for his friendship. 

On a health note, wow has life been a 180!  I have stopped taking my stomach medication which makes me extremely happy. I think majority of it was stress related and being in a situation for so many years it took a huge toll on my health. Now I am super healthy and haven't had to do it. I also stopped biting my nails! This is the first time in over 8 years that I have had my nails grown and it feels so nice to be moving toward that direction of being happy and healthy. Can't wait for the future. =)