There were times I had ideas of what I'd like to do but nothing ever seemed set. You know how a lot of people just say, "I want to be THIS when I grow up"? Maybe I just have this hazy memory from the younger years of too much acid and ecstasy that I can no longer remember clearly. But I really don't think I had many paths in mind that were beyond the present future. I'd flutter through life working in retail, watching Alias and wanting to work for the NSA (which prompted my drive to go to school but never continued past my Associates), packing up and moving to New York on a whim because I wanted to be a flight attendant and got a job offer from Jetblue, packing up again and moved back to Hawaii for a boy, surfing and traveling around aimlessly with no direction, working small jobs and incurring debt, not thinking about the future.
Before I knew it, I was having a baby and dealing with the stresses of bills and responsibility. Couple that with being broke, an irresponsible husband (now ex-husband) who had no semblance of how to manage money even in toughest times, no help or family nearby, I found myself being a mother, wife, maid, accountant, cook, and everything under the sun, day in and day out 24hrs/7daysaweek/365daysayear. It was a huge change from spending most days with my other half surfing and doing things together to being left alone to deal with life while he continued to live that same life, only without me included. Someone had to take care of the baby right?
So flash forward to now, as the years went on, the time alone became more and more until I started to feel like I was no longer a human being. I devoted all of myself to raising my two kids and had no time for me. Their father was never home so I never got the time to spend on just myself. I'd given up my needs and wants and forgot that I needed to put my foot down and say, "Hey, I need an hour today for just me so be home and watch them please." I would always rearrange my schedule to accommodate everyone else's needs and wants and pushed my needs down to this bottomless hole that never saw an end.
After more than 7 years, and all the heartache it came with, it's like I'm starting all over again. Except I'm old. I'm a 34 year old single mother with no career and feel like I'm a lost teenager with no direction. I've started a part time job in retail (because it's what I have the most experience in) and they asked me what my vision and goals were. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry because in the last decade I lost the person I was. I never really had a ton of direction or goals for my future, but what I did know was that I had things that I liked to do and wanted to do but over the years, I had forgotten all of it. Everything I did was for my kids and everyone else, I could no longer think about me as a person. Every single day was devoted to school work, cleaning, cooking, sports, animals, etc. With my shy personality, being so immersed in the mommy role, I became even more introverted and felt completely out of place withmost people because majority of our friends didn't have kids. I would be more reclusive with hardly any adult interaction. Don't ever let yourself sink into this darkness. Its most likely a huge contributor to my health issues, which are too long to post in one entry. But because of the issues, in the recent year, I really got serious in getting healthy and fit and that helped me a lot with giving me some "likes" and "things I like to do" in life. Got me out of the house, outdoors, and really put a little bit of my foot down to stand up for my "wants" by making an hour here and there MY time.
I'm still lost and feel inadequate but every step is a step towards finding myself again. We, as mothers tend to let ourselves be forgotten because we love and care about our family so much that we put everyone ahead of ourselves. Whether it takes a month, a year, or ten years, it's still possible to find our lost self and slowly stop feeling so hopeless. A year from now, I would like to look back at this post and rewrite it with new "likes", "things I like to do's" and possibly career goals. We are only going to move forward if we let our feet take us. Think my feet have been dragging life in the mud like an anchor. Its time to release.