Thursday, March 27, 2014

Reminders to Move On

Last night was a real eye opener. For everything that was said over the years, everything that I partially believed but partially didn't believe (because of all the actions that proved words were just words to make it seem something it wasn't), was just that. Words. 

Sometimes I think I have this sick part of me that likes the torture so that I can be hurt and cry in order to help myself get passed this pain and heartbreak.  Why did I look at the pictures?  Because its only natural to look. I have done good with not looking and not following social media that will make my day sad. But once in a while I click and I end up hurting myself. 

It was no different last night. Except I clicked through to other things and saw things I wished I hasn't seen. I get that people move on but I guess it still hurts. Hurts to see things posted publicly, hurts to know that people he's been around since this slow sinking ship has started, have commented or "liked" it, meaning people have known about this and I now feel like that dumb wife who should have seen the truth. 

How do you get through the sadness. I'm hoping that anger will come someday. Enraged anger instead of hurt and understanding. It takes a lot to make me angry and this is no different. Even after years and years, I still don't get angry. I try to be as understanding as possible. Maybe its my stupid nature. Stupid for believing words that weren't real.  

I had the hardest time sleeping last night with the anxiety, tears and sadness but woke up trying to figure out why.  When I think back to signs of the truth, I remember three years ago when we had a huge tsunami warning for the Japan earthquake, I should have known. There was evacuation warnings and news everywhere and I remember calling him asking him to be careful and come home and he didn't come home. He was at a party they were throwing in the evacuation zone.  Instead of coming home to be with his family, he stayed out.  I remember z being so scared and he wouldn't sleep. He passed out on the couch waiting for his dad to come home. He didn't come home til late the next day and z asked him why he didn't come home when it was a tsunami warning. What kind of person does that who says they care about their family?  Was a party more important than your family? That was three years ago. There were so many little signs and I never put the pieces together.  Family was never near the too of the list. For someone with a good heart, none of it was left for us. It was given to everyone outside to bend over backwards for everyone else. But never for the ones who mattered most. Foolishly, I believed the WORDS that were said about caring, loving and wanting to be better. Wanting to fix things and wanting the responsibility when it was not the truth. Inside I think I always knew it because actions prove more than words, but I wanted so badly to make things work. To have the family together and be happy. I'm not one to give up knowing that everything takes work. But a one sided effort doesn't work.  Gave up a lot of myself to make things work but nothing helped.  To a point I thought I was mentally nuts and needed to take medication when it really wasn't the case. 

Now I kick myself for being the idiot girl who should have seen the signs. Family wasn't first on the list and would never be.  You don't show love or care by breaking your word everytime and talking but never putting action into those words spoken.  Promises mean nothing if they have been broken over and over. I guess I needed to see the truth. Heartache or not. This post made no sense and I'm sorry for the terrible post but this needed to be vented so I could let go. 

Lots to ponder on my long commute today.  These tears need to stop. 

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