Saturday, March 22, 2014

Somedays are Filled with Tears

When things started to become completely broken, I had many days I wanted to sink into a dark hole and cry until I fell asleep.  I never really got to do that because I had my kids with me every single day and couldn't let them see me cry.

Wheb things really changed, and I decided to leave the situation and change our lives, I had so many days that I wanted to cry and couldn't.  As time moves on, they don't show up as often but they still come and when they do it's hard not to sink and sink and sink..deeper into that black darkness and have this overwhelming, claustrophobic grey cloud wrapping me up in a blanket of sadness.  It makes it hard to breathe and causes a great deal of anxiety in my stomach that I want to curl up and hurl.  
Sometimes I wonder how I could let one person create such pain and hurt in me that it literally makes me sick.  

Even now, with everything at its end, I still let the hurt take over my head and heart.  The constant reminders of home make it harder to let go..especially when I am the one who already has the hardest time letting go of memories, good and bad, it is just that much harder.  I don't want to cut off everyone I know just because of the hardship but I have no other ideas on how to stop the constant reminders from causing my mental state to be so shaken.  Someone once said that it was good I wasn't still on the rock or it would have been even worse...truth. 

The one thing that made things a little bearable was running but I don't even have that with my feet being so messed up.  Reading this article touched on so many levels for me and makes me miss running even more.  There is so much I have to work on for myself and my mental issues and as hard as I try it seems to always be one step forward and two steps back...I keep saying I need to be stronger and be more positive.  Constantly trying to read life quotes to remember to remind myself of positives but these days still come.  Maybe today I have to just let it overtake me and cry....

So in light of my miserable mental state, I decided to swim extra hard today..adding 2 new things to my normal routine: breaststroke (I was using only freestyle and backstroke) and trying to breathe from both sides when freestyle swimming.  Just like running, swimming has its good swim and bad swim days.  Today was a GREAT swim day.  Crushed it..almost made a mile in under an hour.  Next goal is to make the mile. =)

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