Sunday, May 18, 2014

Clearing Out Useless Thoughts

Having so many emotions and thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis.   It's been a while since I totally stopped the occasional clicking of the past and that has really really helped with the sadness and hurt. Cut it out completely and I am a lot less sad and my heart doesn't feel so heavy.  Time to focus on the path ahead and the happiness of my little family I have here.

Mother's Day pic. They drive me nuts but they are my loves.  
Found these pics on Mother's Day looking for old pics of my mom. Its of my sister and I when we used to go to Japan to visit our grandparents. This is the best pic because it is what I remmeber most of being there. Grandpas store in front of the house had a ice cream freezer with my favorite cone ice cream with chocolate swirl in its own cute individual container. 

I'm trying to learn how to stop putting everyone first and try to be a little selfish. It's such a slow process but everything is baby steps. This past week I actually made a point to ask my mom to watch the kids so I could take a class with a few friends. That's a first. Usually the only time I ask for help is when I have to work and I always miss out on the workouts I want to they because I feel guilty asking for extra time. But I went and it was so much fun. It was so hard but I am completely addicted. My friend is an acrobat for shows here and she teaches aerial silks classes as well. I finally got to go and it is so fun. I want to get good at it. She is so much younger than me and I'm just in awe. She looks so effortless. I can only dream to be an ounce as good.

Aerial silks class. Killer. Love these girls!
Not easy!

She's a baby but I love her.  We can learn a lot from people young and old. 

On another note, I am crossing fingers that I finally get my health insurance because I seriously need to get my legs and feet checked. I can't even workout without it being flared up and painful. Thechiropractor said I definitely need an MRI and X-rays once I get the insurance because it shouldn't be this painful for this long. Being on weeks of forced rest sucks. I only did a few workouts and tried my best to be light with any leg stuff but it gets so sore and swollen right away. Now it's not just hurting from running but from everything. Trying to ask me to stay away from moving is not easy. From 5-6 days a week to 1-2 SUCKS!!!  Get me out of this mess. I'm running out of time to start training for the races coming at the end of the year. =(

Perks of being able to take classes for work! Battle ropes kicked our butts. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Visions and Goals

Work has been very interesting. It was tough when I started  because I was starting with no clue what was in my head. Funny as weeks passed and they asked us to fill out or vision and goals rough draft, I had to really think but it was a lot easier than two months ago when they asked us to start jotting down notes.  Being around such awesome people have been really good because I see life differently than I did before. I've also had a bunch of amazing incredible resources within the company who have been able to shed some light on where I could go if I figured out what I wanted in life. Career. Personal. Health.

In the last week I reached out to someone who had spoken to us before we opened the store and he was a great eye opener and asset. He told me where to research to find more information. Listen to possibilities and career calls of the past in the areas I may be interested.  And as I work more, I remembered how much I loved the responsibilities of the back room and the backend of the store. I had always loved it in the past and doing it again reminded me that there is a way to get there if I choose that route. 

I'm going off topic again but with the assignment to turn in a rough draft, I had to go through the vision exercises and it was very strange. She tells us to close our eyes as she asks questions. Things to visualize about my perfect day ten years from now. What am I doing. Where am I. Who am I with? Jotting down notes and then seeing it as if it were really happening at that moment. When I visualized my perfect day, nothing was super detailed but what was happening was that I lived somewhere in the mountains, most likely the Pacific Northwest, in a house with a giant deck.  I have run at least two 100 mile races by then and my kids are 18 & 14.  We make breakfast and have coffee on the deck before we laced up our shoes and headed out to the trail with our rescue dog for a daily run. We meet a bunch of friends and new friends along our path.  Nothing strange about this so far. What IS strange is that with us on the mountain is a guy.  He's Charlie Hunnam (obviously not him) and we have a kid together. We aren't married but have been together forever and are happy and in love. 

This is where it is wierd because it is not what I want or envision and can't figure out why it would be in my exercise.  I have never ever wanted to be in another relationship ever again and would be happy to be alone forever so this popping up is throwing me off..especially envisioning someone in the mountains with me.  It felt so real that it gives me chills.  My boss had said during our exercise that that's when it is really a vision. When its so real you want to cry. It will change as time goes on. Visions and goals are meant to. But this vision is what it is and should be written and remembered til the next one appears. I need to add more exact detail about it and the goals for ten years and five and one. But I couldn't sleep with the adrenaline that was going through my veins from it. It was so real but so odd that I always wonder why I would even envision it. 

I also just couldn't sleep cause I'm so excited to go on my little trip next month. Next month can't come soon enough and its killing me waiting. Hurry hurry hurry! Can't wait to see old friends. 
 We were babies. '99? Hahaha. Love my homies. 
Things I ponder when I drive home from work. 50 minutes gives me way too much time with my head. 

Friday, May 2, 2014

Today was "OK!"

I know that this sounds silly because it is such a simple thing to say but today, my sister text me asking me how I was doing and I said "OK!"  For anyone who has been in touch with me or talked or messaged with me over the last year and mostly over the last few months know that I went up and down.  Many times, my answers would be negative, sad, depressed, or crying.  If there was even a positive answer in it, it would be half in half out.  My answers were always, "I'm doing ok, up and down, sad and fine."  Or something along those lines.  I could never EVER say I was OK completely or happy.

Today was a surprise even to myself!  When I said I was doing ok without the added ok, BUT...I felt like it was true.  Maybe it will only be today that I feel that way but it feels really amazing to say that I actually feel good today.

Maybe it was the work meetings we had the last two mornings filled with positive goals and sharing of ideas.  Maybe it is that my feet and calves haven't been so painful that I have a hard time walking and standing for periods of time on them in the last week.  That is another story...but the last week two weeks, I have been on forced rest.  It started with Rocket being super sick and me having to work 3 days in a row. 
He was up throughout the night for a week and I was so tired I had no sleep for days between him and work that I was so exhausted I felt sick.  So instead of waking up for my 6AM workouts that week,  I slept on my days off and did workout of any sort.  That is highly unusual for me because I HATE HATE HATE not doing SOMETHING everyday.  But that one week of not doing anything helped my calves stop being so incredibly tight that my feet weren't as tight either.  The pain is still there but not as bad.  So, this week I decided to take another week off and see if it helps even more.  If that works, I may not do anything for a full 4 weeks and just maybe do upper body stuff and swim without using my legs.  Since I got hurt in january, I have not been able to run, but I NEVER stopped working out.  I continued to do DVD workouts and leg and ab work and swimming and so I never let my legs rest.  That may be the reason this has been drawn out so long.  We shall see...I am crossing fingers that this is a step to positive things happening with my body.  I have a few races at the end of the year and I will be bummed if I can't train and get to those runs.. =(

It could also be that I saw a few long lost friends!  This week was super busy between work, work meetings, and friends from out of town that I didn't get to stop and realize that maybe that was the positive to the day/week?  As much as I dislike facebook and only use it once in a while, I always want to close it because I don't like seeing anything that hurts me but at the same time, I keep it open cause I know sometimes I like to let old friends see the kids growing up or keep up from a distance with our lives that I normally wouldn't have been in touch with.  And just when I was talking about closing it because of the things that hurt me lately, I happened to be on my app on my phone and saw a picture of my friend Chris on my feed.  I've never been one to look at other peoples pages and see what they are up to.  The only time I see things is if it is at the front of my feed otherwise I don't see or know anything.  So having been told that maybe I should shut it down for a while, the first thing that popped up was a picture of him at a mountain that looked like Red Rock.  I clicked on it and he was there.  I messaged him and he was like, "Ya, I'm here are you in Vegas too?" and I was like OMG yes!!!!!  We were all busy but made an hour time to meet before my work and I was sooo incredibly happy.  He was a good friend of mine since I was probably 19 years old.  All my friends moved to the bay and he went to Stanford so I'd visit them all often.  He had been in Japan all these years and I had not seen him in over 14 years and it's because of FB that I was able to see him again.  Some things never change and I am stoked that our paths crossed again.  My other friend was here for a week for her 14th wedding anniversary and we had been online friends for over 8 years.  There was a group of us girls who had a few common interests in denim and running so we all kept in touch with each other for years without having actually met.  This year I met two of them and now she's the third.  She was here for her anniversary and messaged me she was coming and we had coffee and it was like meeting up with an old friend.  So as much as I hate a lot of social media, this is definitely one of the positives that I am in love with and super grateful for.
This was 1998!

So, all in all, this has been a great week..and I hope it's a sign of more great things to come..MORE SMILES AND HAPPINESS please..