Saturday, June 28, 2014

So Much to do Not Enough Time

When I originally planned my trip, I meant to do a day trip and go home the next day.  Then I decided I think two days would be perfect.  When they day came, I thought I couldn't do it and should just stay home.  Forcing myself to go, once there, it was relaxing and so much fun to be in the company of good people with so much I still wanted to do but not enough time.  Two days is definitely NOT enough time to catch up with old friends and find all the good foods I wanted to try before I went home.

Aaron and Ming were right, this is the test out being away from the kids for more than a few hours and realizing that if it turns out to be not as bad as I thought, it would be the start of more day trips to come.

My homie since I was 18..jacked this pic from his Instagram:

We didn't get to go to Universal before my flight because our passes were black out days but we did get to just hang, eat, and see Venice Beach.  Been there, done that, no need to do it again HAHAHAHHAHA!  It was like walking through a SUPER SUPER long International Marketplace like back home in Waikiki (RIP).  Ming, being from Miami, and I, being from Hawaii, seeing the brown ocean was like, "UHHHHH ya, ok" but the ocean in itself is just calming and relaxing and if I ever lived there, I would totally go to a brown beach on down time just to eat lunch and relax listening to the ocean. 
I miss the ocean. I miss surfing.  I miss home but I don't miss the shit that was home.  Being surrounded by positive friends and just FAM is like a recharge.  Getting to see Laura, whom I haven't seen since I was probably 20 was sooooo awesome.  

She took us to this amazing vegan restaurant and I want to live in LA just for the food.  It is a definite must when I go next time.  Kale perogies, raw tacos, vegan ice cream, and friend mac and cheese......I will keep on dreaming til the next time I can eat there again. 

 I haven't eaten in restaurants in so long.  Being broke and just eating healthy and clean keeps me from eating out so this trip was a lot of firsts for me..and such a great time I can't stop missing it already.

The kids didn't even miss me which made me happy but sad at the same time.  They have gotten so used to me working and having grandma play with them that they miss me but they no longer cry or feel sad.  Back in Hawaii, the only had me so they weren't used to having me gone.  It was like that when we moved here too..just going to a job interview was stressful for me.  The guilt I felt for being away was hard.  But now they are used to it and know that I am always going to be coming home right away, they are happy kids and I feel less stress and guilt for picking up an extra shift at work.  They have grown up so much and I feel like I am continuously growing as a mom too.

The moment I felt the cool air in LA and saw the mountains, I knew that I can't stay in Vegas for too long.  Although I most likely will stay for a while just because the kids need the support and I do too.   I have a hard time trusting strangers to take care of my kids so they are in the best hands once I start working full-time. I'll keep looking but it will probably be awhile until to find a job somewhere along the west coast..but being in California really made me see how much my goals are there..being on the west coast..Oregon, Cali, Washington...somewhere near the PCT...or just being on the PNW..I have to get there someday in the near future.  I belong in the green mountain..not the desert..and if I am not in Hawaii then I'd be happy up there!!! GOALS GOALS GOALS.....going to make things happen.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Birthdays and Fam

When I look back to a year ago and what my birthday was like, so much has changed for the better. I re-read my blog entry from last year and it was filled with so much loneliness and tears and this year was just a huge 180 from that.

I spent my actual bday working and being on day 9 of 10 on my cleanse so I couldn't celebrate eating cake or any pasta that my family had eaten when I got home. I was ok since I am not much to celebrate holidays anyway but I also knew I had a two day trip planned to visit my best brother friend and his girl a few days later so it was something to look forward to. 

I've never had a day away from the kids since I became a mom so being away from them was hard to do. I almost didn't check in for my flight because I'm so nervous about being away and worrying about them being sad but I know they are in good hands with my parents. Everyone keeps saying I need to do something for myself for once and just GO!  So I did. I got on my flight this morning and waved goodbye and told myself its only two days and don't worry!  

Aaron's girls bday was two days after mine so we did a belated universal trip. He bought us year passes since it was only $20 more than a day pass and we has the best time. I am so grateful for having such an awesome friend who has been there from day 1.  Can't wait to go before my flight to ride the other ones we didn't get to do today. 

Love these two lovebirds 

I'll post another post when I get home from the trip but I am so stoked I came to HELL-A. 

I've always been freaked out by characters in costume and this was no joke hahaha 

Friday, June 6, 2014

Lighten Up

Tonight I had a random conversation with an old friend about life and letting go of our pride and looking at our situations in a different light. Coming from a place of grateful and happy instead of feeling failure and depressed. His story is a work in progress but his family endured and continue to endure hardship but it was for that reason he found himself and lives a different path towards a better, positive human. 

It made me really stop and think about how I've been feeling. Its hard living with my parents at 34. I haven't had to do that since I was 18 and being an adult with kids and barely working 2-3 days a week in a retail store is depressing. Knowing full well that it won't help me get out of this situation, can't afford to move out or get out of this hole that I'm in. I'm suffocating in the bills that I got left with that should have been split in half but since its in my name, I'm stuck with it. The kids activities cost an arm and a leg and that part time job I have and the little I get from child support barely covers the bases. The future looks like a million years ahead at this rate. It's like the never ending tunnel and I don't see the end. I feel like a hopeless failure knowing that my parents help to give us a roof on our head and help with the kids and buy our household necessities. It is really hard to know that I need that help but don't want that and don't want to burden them. 

Hearing my friend tell me his story made me realize he's right and I need to change the way I think. Let go of my pride because that's what family is for in times of hardship and I'd do the same for my kids if they needed me. They aren't enabling me to continue some bad lifestyle or laziness. They are supporting me when I need it most. So I can figure out my future. I just hope it doesn't take years to get to where I should be going. In the end, I should be grateful for this time I have and give the kids the best experiences with me as I can while I can. Its so hard to let go of the pride and independence because it's been majority of my life. Not having to answer to anyone about my parenting or reasoning to why I do things the way I do. I feel like a teenager again. But aside from that, the positives for my kids being here is more than worth my pride I suppose =). I hope I can learn to let go of it and try to enjoy the time, stop stressing so much about where I need to be or how I will survive as much as I do now. Hahaha. 

To be a kid again and carefree. Enjoying life! 

On a side note, I finally got health insurance but can't find a doctor. The podiatrist said he thinks I have plantar and achilies tendonitis and sent me to a physical therapist. At the evaluation, the pt says he thinks its slightly that but can't be sure. But that my insurance probably won't cover me to see him because I'm high functioning. Ughhh that sucks. So now I am back to square one. My chrisprator can't order my MRI and X-ray cause he doesn't take my insurance. But I can't find a doctor and the one I did see wouldn't order it for me since she doesn't know my history. Its so frustrating. So I'm going to try what the pt said and stay off intensity workouts for at least a month. It sucks. I don't know how to do that but he said it would get worse and last a long long time if I don't take care of it now.  My ongoing battle with my body is killing me. And my body tells me so after every workout how painfully sore it can be. 

This was this mornings workout before our meeting. High intensity. Yes. Hahaha. 

Stop and enjoy the sunsets. I need to slooooowwwwww down sometimes

Z turned 8 last week and I can't believe how much time has flown. He's no longer this little boy who needs me for everything. Before I know it he'll be leaving for college. Bittersweet. 

He was stoked that uncle zen and masa and aunty Kumi sent his favorite monorail present!!! 
His candle placement is epic.