Thursday, March 27, 2014

Reminders to Move On

Last night was a real eye opener. For everything that was said over the years, everything that I partially believed but partially didn't believe (because of all the actions that proved words were just words to make it seem something it wasn't), was just that. Words. 

Sometimes I think I have this sick part of me that likes the torture so that I can be hurt and cry in order to help myself get passed this pain and heartbreak.  Why did I look at the pictures?  Because its only natural to look. I have done good with not looking and not following social media that will make my day sad. But once in a while I click and I end up hurting myself. 

It was no different last night. Except I clicked through to other things and saw things I wished I hasn't seen. I get that people move on but I guess it still hurts. Hurts to see things posted publicly, hurts to know that people he's been around since this slow sinking ship has started, have commented or "liked" it, meaning people have known about this and I now feel like that dumb wife who should have seen the truth. 

How do you get through the sadness. I'm hoping that anger will come someday. Enraged anger instead of hurt and understanding. It takes a lot to make me angry and this is no different. Even after years and years, I still don't get angry. I try to be as understanding as possible. Maybe its my stupid nature. Stupid for believing words that weren't real.  

I had the hardest time sleeping last night with the anxiety, tears and sadness but woke up trying to figure out why.  When I think back to signs of the truth, I remember three years ago when we had a huge tsunami warning for the Japan earthquake, I should have known. There was evacuation warnings and news everywhere and I remember calling him asking him to be careful and come home and he didn't come home. He was at a party they were throwing in the evacuation zone.  Instead of coming home to be with his family, he stayed out.  I remember z being so scared and he wouldn't sleep. He passed out on the couch waiting for his dad to come home. He didn't come home til late the next day and z asked him why he didn't come home when it was a tsunami warning. What kind of person does that who says they care about their family?  Was a party more important than your family? That was three years ago. There were so many little signs and I never put the pieces together.  Family was never near the too of the list. For someone with a good heart, none of it was left for us. It was given to everyone outside to bend over backwards for everyone else. But never for the ones who mattered most. Foolishly, I believed the WORDS that were said about caring, loving and wanting to be better. Wanting to fix things and wanting the responsibility when it was not the truth. Inside I think I always knew it because actions prove more than words, but I wanted so badly to make things work. To have the family together and be happy. I'm not one to give up knowing that everything takes work. But a one sided effort doesn't work.  Gave up a lot of myself to make things work but nothing helped.  To a point I thought I was mentally nuts and needed to take medication when it really wasn't the case. 

Now I kick myself for being the idiot girl who should have seen the signs. Family wasn't first on the list and would never be.  You don't show love or care by breaking your word everytime and talking but never putting action into those words spoken.  Promises mean nothing if they have been broken over and over. I guess I needed to see the truth. Heartache or not. This post made no sense and I'm sorry for the terrible post but this needed to be vented so I could let go. 

Lots to ponder on my long commute today.  These tears need to stop. 

Monday, March 24, 2014

Life Begins Somewhere

Growing up, I don't remember if I had any real goals. I've always kind of been that wishy-washy go with whatever type of person. 

There were times I had ideas of what I'd like to do but nothing ever seemed set. You know how a lot of people just say, "I want to be THIS when I grow up"?  Maybe I just have this hazy memory from the younger years of too much acid and ecstasy that I can no longer remember clearly. But I really don't think I had many paths in mind that were beyond the present future. I'd flutter through life working in retail, watching Alias and wanting to work for the NSA (which prompted my drive to go to school but never continued past my Associates), packing up and moving to New York on a whim because I wanted to be a flight attendant and got a job offer from Jetblue, packing up again and moved back to Hawaii for a boy, surfing and traveling around aimlessly with no direction, working small jobs and incurring debt, not thinking about the future. 

Before I knew it, I was having a baby and dealing with the stresses of bills and responsibility.  Couple that with being broke, an irresponsible husband (now ex-husband) who had no semblance of how to manage money even in toughest times, no help or family nearby, I found myself being a mother, wife, maid, accountant, cook, and everything under the sun, day in and day out 24hrs/7daysaweek/365daysayear. It was a huge change from spending most days with my other half surfing and doing things together to being left alone to deal with life while he continued to live that same life, only without me included. Someone had to take care of the baby right?  

So flash forward to now, as the years went on, the time alone became more and more until I started to feel like I was no longer a human being. I devoted all of myself to raising my two kids and had no time for me. Their father was never home so I never got the time to spend on just myself. I'd given up my needs and wants and forgot that I needed to put my foot down and say, "Hey, I need an hour today for just me so be home and watch them please."  I would always rearrange my schedule to accommodate everyone else's needs and wants and pushed my needs down to this bottomless hole that never saw an end. 

After more than 7 years, and all the heartache it came with, it's like I'm starting all over again. Except I'm old. I'm a 34 year old single mother with no career and feel like I'm a lost teenager with no direction.  I've started a part time job in retail (because it's what I have the most experience in) and they asked me what my vision and goals were. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry because in the last decade I lost the person I was. I never really had a ton of direction or goals for my future, but what I did know was that I had things that I liked to do and wanted to do but over the years, I had forgotten all of it. Everything I did was for my kids and everyone else, I could no longer think about me as a person. Every single day was devoted to school work, cleaning, cooking, sports, animals, etc. With my shy personality, being so immersed in the mommy role, I became even more introverted and felt completely out of place withmost people   because majority of our friends didn't have kids.  I would be more reclusive with hardly any adult interaction.  Don't ever let yourself sink into this darkness. Its most likely a huge contributor to my health issues, which are too long to post in one entry.  But because of the issues, in the recent year, I really got serious in getting healthy and fit and that helped me a lot with giving me some "likes" and "things I like to do" in life.  Got me out of the house, outdoors, and really put a little bit of my foot down to stand up for my "wants" by making an hour here and there MY time. 

I'm still lost and feel inadequate but every step is a step towards finding myself again. We, as mothers tend to let ourselves be forgotten because we love and care about our family so much that we put everyone ahead of ourselves.  Whether it takes a month, a year, or ten years, it's still possible to find our lost self and slowly stop feeling so hopeless. A year from now, I would like to look back at this post and rewrite it with new "likes", "things I like to do's" and possibly career goals.  We are only going to move forward if we let our feet take us. Think my feet have been dragging life in the mud like an anchor.  Its time to release. 

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Somedays are Filled with Tears

When things started to become completely broken, I had many days I wanted to sink into a dark hole and cry until I fell asleep.  I never really got to do that because I had my kids with me every single day and couldn't let them see me cry.

Wheb things really changed, and I decided to leave the situation and change our lives, I had so many days that I wanted to cry and couldn't.  As time moves on, they don't show up as often but they still come and when they do it's hard not to sink and sink and sink..deeper into that black darkness and have this overwhelming, claustrophobic grey cloud wrapping me up in a blanket of sadness.  It makes it hard to breathe and causes a great deal of anxiety in my stomach that I want to curl up and hurl.  
Sometimes I wonder how I could let one person create such pain and hurt in me that it literally makes me sick.  

Even now, with everything at its end, I still let the hurt take over my head and heart.  The constant reminders of home make it harder to let go..especially when I am the one who already has the hardest time letting go of memories, good and bad, it is just that much harder.  I don't want to cut off everyone I know just because of the hardship but I have no other ideas on how to stop the constant reminders from causing my mental state to be so shaken.  Someone once said that it was good I wasn't still on the rock or it would have been even worse...truth. 

The one thing that made things a little bearable was running but I don't even have that with my feet being so messed up.  Reading this article touched on so many levels for me and makes me miss running even more.  There is so much I have to work on for myself and my mental issues and as hard as I try it seems to always be one step forward and two steps back...I keep saying I need to be stronger and be more positive.  Constantly trying to read life quotes to remember to remind myself of positives but these days still come.  Maybe today I have to just let it overtake me and cry....

So in light of my miserable mental state, I decided to swim extra hard today..adding 2 new things to my normal routine: breaststroke (I was using only freestyle and backstroke) and trying to breathe from both sides when freestyle swimming.  Just like running, swimming has its good swim and bad swim days.  Today was a GREAT swim day.  Crushed it..almost made a mile in under an hour.  Next goal is to make the mile. =)

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Life is too Short

Today I had an emergency meeting with no clue what it was about only to find out a girl we were all just getting to know had been murdered over the weekend. 

My heart hurts and I am stunned, shocked, speechless (on what's the right thing to think or say), angry, and depressed over this news.  She was so light and happy and had this really awesome aura and she was truly sweet. I cannot imagine how anyone could lose their life over someone else's hands. How selfish it is for someone to take away someone else's life, their dreams, and future. It makes me sick to know this and makes me sink into the darkness all over. Reminds me of the multiple tragedies that have happened over the last few years and how it seems to be too close to home, losing people and finding out others are ill. 

As we get older it seems there are more and more of these stories and it scares me. It also branches out into the many disturbing things about this world and its people that make me sad and angry and just makes you question everything. Why do people need to be so greedy and selfish. Both contribute to people getting sick, the loss of animals and forests and nature, and our food we eat being ruined by human greed. Everything goes in this sick circle and I feel helpless and don't know where to start to make the difference. I would like to make a difference somehow. 

Standing in this darkness, I know that beyond the dark is the light and that I need to find the good in life and the world to be happy. There are so many things to hold onto and make life positive that I can't let this overshadow the good. Life is too short. I need to remember to stop living in the minute that passed and keep living in the minute now. Smile at those around me, hug those near me, and leave trails of light, happy memories for others to embrace. I tell my kids all the time that I want them to be good kids and I can be a good happy mother so we never ever leave the car/house/room in negativity. I never want them to have left something in anger or frustration and always leave with a smile and happiness because if something happened to me later that day, the last thing I want them to think about is "mommy was so mad and yelling at me" before they left the car/house/room.  

Everyone deserves to be happy and positive. Spend less time in the darkness that consumes the mind. So remember to love those around you and hold them tight today because we cannot predict our tomorrow's. 

I've had this in my photo albums to always remind me to stop looking at tragedy and love life. Today, it was the perfect reminder. 

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Body Fails Me

Ughhh how many entries will I have until my feet fucking heal. I am about to have a meltdown. 
Here is my timeline:
January 4, 2014: halfway through the 10 miler I had major inner ankle pain on the left side. After igot home I could barely walk but I just assumed it was just sore. Next day it got worse and i really could barely walk or stand on it. I rested for two weeks with no running and doing my home workouts in between. I wanted to get healed in time for the disney half marathon. 
January 19, 2014: still tender but not so bad, I threw on my altra torin that I hoped would provide added cushion for my feet and ran the disney half in complete pain from the first mile. I made it through the race but after I stopped running my feet were both in so much pain I almost couldn't walk back to the room. I iced and massaged it but it was sore. Right foot now in pain for over compensating to cover the lack of my left foot in the run. Bad idea. Pretty much stopped running again for a few weeks and just worked out at home. 
February 4, 2014: feet felt less tender so decided to join the run ladies for the 5 miler but felt pulling in my feet
February 18, 2014: tried to run with them again and pain in my feet. Decided to just stop running completely to see if I could let it fully heal before attempting to run. 
Started swimming three times a week at the pool to get some added workouts in between but even that makes my feet hurt. I feel like I'm supposed to NOT do anything in order for it to get better but I can't do that! I can't stay put and I need to exercise. 

I went to see a sport chiro from a friend who is a crazy runner and ask he helped her and all her friends get back to running and he seems to think its something with my muscle in my calf wrapping around my outer foot to mid foot and then a second issue with the tendon on the inner foot up the side to my inner ankle. On both feet. He's been doing some wierd machine on my feet and some grasting method and I've only gone twice and it feels worse. He said he next time I go in he may need to do X-rays if it hasn't helped at all. That is going to suck seeing as I have no medical. But I don't know what to do. I feel all the knots/trigger points in my calves and feet. I use the stick and the footlog everyday and its painful so I know I've got issues with my feet and calves but I'm not sure what is going on. 

my daily torture
Feels like everytime I stand for too long or exercise it get more painful. Thursday I took a sample crossfit class with my team and it was fricken awesome. I was afraid that I would be sore to use my feet at the workout but it wasn't. 

cutest part of the workout

But my entire body is sore in a good way but my calves are more rift now and my feet are more sore. And then Friday I was standing at the park for a few hours watching rocket play and I was in pain in my feet when I got home. 

And now I just have major pain in my feet and I can barely stand on it. Sort of scaring me. I just want it to get better. I miss running and I miss being healthy.  How can I stop being on the move? Its impossible!!

I've always got my pocketfuel
these kids make me laugh with mustaches

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Kids Adventures

You're forewarned that this post will contain overload of my boys are hahaha

I have realized how important some friends have been in this transition of life. People have always said you don't count the friends who are there when things are great but the ones who are standing by you when things aren't great. I've never been one to ask for favors and when I do I feel terrible asking but I've had to ask a few friends for something's back home and it's been making me feel bad to rely on others for help but it also showed me how awesome they are and how much they don't seem to care to take time out to do it for me. For that I am forever grateful. 

He's quite stoked that aunty Tams sent him some of his favorite jam completely unhealthy full of sugar but delish

We've been trying our best to do something outdoors at least once during the weekend. We took a break from our normal Red Rock Canyon routine because there was a storm that passed last week and I heard there was snow and I wanted them to have their (possibly) last fun in snow til next winter. After much fighting about one wanting to go red rock and the other wanting to see snow, we went to Mount Charleston in search of it. The weather was not like all the other times we went. The entire mountain was white which we had not seen all the past times we went. My kids were like "its white!!! Snow!!"  

I hope to be able to run with this view someday. If my damned feet would heal I would love to lace up and run! 

And it was definitely snow! There was a heavy fog that rolled in as we went up the mountain and we stopped at a different spot because it was hard to see. What was awesome was the fresh snow we found. We had never been there when the snow was fresh and soft. It was so much fun and we made a snowman for the first time in our lives. As much as I miss the green mountains and blue ocean back home in Hawaii, I am a little excited to be able to find and explore winter and snow that I've never had the opportunity to experience my whole life!  This is definitely a new chapter we need to look forward to. Can't wait til next winter and take snowboarding lessons! 

Never without my picky bars!