Sunday, November 8, 2015

Parenting isn't Always Peachy

Being a parent is never easy. 

Today is one of those days where I feel the overwhelming crappy negative feeling for the thoughts And feelings I am having. 95% of the time I'm grateful for everything I have. Then there is that 5% when I just want to run away and not hear a word or have a single responsibility on my plate when I wake up. When you're pushed so far with the yelling, arguing and repetitive conversations that seem to have no end. 

Not sure if other parents have these moments but I have them once in a blue moon and when it comes it feels like shit to feel that and to have those thoughts too because there is so much to be happy about. 

This isn't a blog entry for someone to say "no you're such a good mom" etc etc. it's just a way to express that nothing is ever as it seems everyday just by what is seen from the outside or from photos. The reality of life does catch up with you once in a while and we all need to have a moment. Even those you think are doing totally fine hahahaha. 

My mom always said that all the hard work you put in to raising kids seems so thankless until they become adults. Then you see how your hard work paid off. 😍😍😍 

For today, I'm allowing myself to lose my composure. Most people know I don't share personal shit but I feel like other parents should know they aren't the only ones loving these moments. Xoxo 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Lost in Thoughts

Been feeling very out of sorts these days. I know when I've got a lot on my plate and feel overwhelmed when I start pulling my hair and biting my nails down til they are painful. It's been ongoing for a few months and got worse when I had my kidney infection.

Kidneys. Let's not even get deep into this issue. Just knowing that I was on two rounds of different antibtiocs before they got my results back that was an uncommon one and both were not going to work for what I had which was why I felt so much pain for so long and exhausted all day. On the correct one round three. Felt like I was becoming normal again and once it was done, a few days later the symptoms started coming back again. I had to leave work early (and get talked to for it =( ) so I could make the walk in cut off time (after crying and arguing about being seen) and they tell me to go back on the same one that was working until they get my results back five days later. Finally find out I have the same infection and I have to stay on this for the rest of the ten days. I said what happens if it comes back? She says then I get referred to a specialist. I said I can't be on antibtiocs for months! She said finish this round first and we see from there. Ugh I hate having this awful insurance. Crossing fingers it gets better. 

Besides the infection, I've been battling my head on life and what i want to do with it. I feel like a crazy girl who never can figure out what I want to do and what I'm working towards.  I'll get into something and want to master it. Once there, I get to a point where I'm wondering "now what?" And I get bored and want to move on. And when this happens I get down and disappointed because I can't figure out where or what I want to do with myself. Arggggg

There has been so much going on in and out of daily shit and I cannot even begin to grasp all or write down in words what is happening these days. It's just been a to of things flying at us in all directions and I just want to lie down and sleep for a while. Hahahaha

Other than that, life is awesome. It really is. Our life as a family is the one thing I can hold on to and smile about. Everything else, well, it is just noise. 

Can't wait til things settle down and we get the ball moving on what we have in our thoughts and plans. 

Science experiments 

Kids helping Mat work 

Mandatory workouts for work meetings

Helping out on days off =) ❤️
We've had family visiting us for weeks since July with possibly a week in between every time. It's actually been nice and the kids are happy to have family visit. It's just been non stop busy with work on both sides that we haven't had downtime. Love asked them to watch the kids for a few hours and surprised me for on a date before they left.  It was so sweet. We hadn't had time to ourselves like that. It's a rarity so it was fun. He took me to dinner and watch my works softball team for a bit. It was so cute. I'm lucky. I really am. 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Fucking Kidney or Whatever it is

About to start a rambling of words that may not make sense:

I've been horribly sick for over two weeks now. It started as this sudden pain in my right side and I thought it was just my usually painful back pain that was worse that night. I could barely lie down without wincing. I thought if I slept it would be better but it was not. I couldn't sleep that night and had to take a melatonin to make myself sleep because it hurt. I woke up feeling worse the next morning and could barely walk to my meeting. 

I immediately went to an urgent care even though I had to pay out of pocket because it was so painful. The doctor told me I had a kidney infection and gave me antibiotics. I thought I'd start to feel better in a day but that night I was in so much pain and for two days after it got continuously worse. So bad I wanted to go to the emergency room. If it wasn't for my kids being asleep and me worrying about waking them up in the middle of the night, i would have gone.  Mat was worried and wanted to take me but I said I'd wait it out til the morning. If it was that bad if go in the morning. He was working on his project all night next to the bed and was so worried because I was in so much pain and moaning from it. The next morning, I work up slightly less in pain so I said I'd wait it out. Seemed it was day 4 and the cipro was working slightly. By one week since that day, most of my symptoms were gone but still tender and sore and cramping in a way I want to keel over and my back was so sore. My entire right side felt tender and I have to avoid touching or pressing it because it's tender and will start a radiating pain up and down my side for the rest of the day. He really showed me how much he cares for me. He researched all the right foods to help kidney infections and made it for me all while being busy working and watching the kids. I don't know anyone who has done that for me. It's the sweetest ever.

Never been more in love with this man for everything he does for me  

I've been out of work for two weeks now. I think I worked one day each week in hopes that I'd be better because I've been lying on the couch forced to rest all this time but every time I get up and move it hurts all over. Resigning myself to being forced to rest and it's making me crazy. The kids had to go to Vegas to my moms because Mat was going back east to work on some projects so I've been resting at home. If anyone knows me they know I can't sit still and this is killing me. 

My insurance is awful. I'm on the state insurance and it makes me go to one specific doctor and I'm new here so it makes it hard to even get any good advice. I went and waited for three hours to walk in because I'm a new patient and they didn't have any openings. She was nice but it's a small office so she has to run tests but it takes a week to get the results which for me is very frustrating because it shouldn't take that long to get results. I have to stay home and not work unless I start to feel better before next week when I get an answer back from her. She sent me off with new antibiotics to try while we wait. I hate medications so his is even worse. I am not a fan of trying antibiotics because I don't like taking medicine and I worry about bodies getting used to them if we do them too often. It's so scary being sick. I'm not sick with a. Flu but this is worse. Having a health issue that drains my energy, puts me in pain, weak and have throbbing bloodshot eyes is scaring the fuck out of me. I've always been relatively healthy and outside of my anxiety and catching a cold once a year, I've never been this sick. I'm scared to know what the results are. And I'm also scared that she'll say she doesn't find anything wrong and I'm just in pain forever. What the hell. Anyway that is my rant because the last two weeks have been a nightmare and I'm losing it being stuck at home and can't have coffee a drink or can't even clean because I'm supposed to rest my body!!! Arggggg!!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Stream of Visitors

It's been a nice steady stream of extended family coming to stay with us. As much as it turns our daily routines out of synch, it's really nice to have family around who we can help heal and also give us all new experiences. The kids get to experience so many new adventures.

Fire pit smores with Mat's brother

Alpine sled and amazing sunsets at big bear lake

Had our official one year anniversary a few weeks ago. we've been so busy with all the visitors and work changes that we almost didn't get a chance to do anything. I asked a good friend of mine from work if I could pay her to watch the kids for a few hours after we got off work so we could get a dinner by ourselves. It was fun because I got to make her dinner and vegan condensed milk for her hat I meant to make a while ago but never got a chance to. So a mixture of thank you for being there and a late housewarming gift. She doesn't cook a lot and loves when I feed her so I knew she'd be happy. So grateful to have her and the boys love her so much. 

We had a nice dinner at one of my favorite vegan restaurants. We never ate at this location so we thought we'd try it. Everything we had was delicious. Vegan kale perogies, pretzel and salad were delicious. Mat's coconut curry was the only thing that was really awful. We never get time to be by ourselves so it was nice to have a couple of hours to enjoy each other's company. We laughed about how he asked me to be his girlfriend that day a year ago even though we had been hanging out for almost two months before that and we both felt like we were set on each other well before that day but it was sweet and I'm not much for special occasions but he's the sweetest person I know. He sent me flowers at work to surprise me too. It was so cute. 

We haven't had much time with just our family since all the visitors were here so when our last guest left we went straight to doing normal things. Z got lessons in making gyoza and did everything from making them to cooking them. He was so proud.  We have to get back into the normal routine again but it has been an adjustment. Kids got so used to having so many activities everyday it's been a little transition. And just when we get used to it, things will get crazy again when guests come to help work on a project hahahaha but for now we will get our quiet time in =)

Testing out some recipes on vegan chocolate chip oat muffins which I now label as cookies hahaha 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Never Stop Trippin

I have to say I'm pretty lucky to call my coworkers my family.  Sometimes work life catches up to you and it can get exhausting and stressful but the one thing that doesn't change is the constant friendship and family we all created at work. It's probably because we all see each other more than we see our own family and friends outside since we work so much but it is nice to like the people you get to see almost everyday. 

We went on a sunrise hike for Mackenzie's farewell to knock it off her bucketlist. It was awesome and the boys came along to play with their pretty aunties. It was adorable. 

The last two weeks we've had visitors staying with us on and off and in between busy work schedules and showing them around, we got to do a lot of exploring.  
We drove with them partially up back towards morrow bay on their way up the coast to Oregon and stopped at this tide pool - Cayucos.  Teaching the kids to up and go without set plans for a daytrip is important to me.  I want them to continue thriving for new adventures and exploring new places everytime we step outside.  Enjoy nature and love our senses.

Spent the day in Laguna beach on our day off 

Met up after work for sunset fire pit. It was the first time for me and the kids and it was so much fun. Lots of mess and work afterwards but such a fun time! 

Drove out for a day to vegas to drop off and hang out and it was really nice to do spontaneous trips with the extended family =)

Monday, June 29, 2015

Birthdays in a Week

Mat and I have birthdays 6 days apart. It's a very strange month for us. Both of us have bad memories and experiences for the month of June. One of his brothers passed away years ago on my birthday date. And then his last brother passed a few weeks ago so for him, June is not always exciting. For me, my birthday hasn't been special for over a decade and I never celebrate anyway but it also was my old anniversary which was never celebrated and so put that on my birthday and it was never a special occasion. Thank goodness I'm not a girly girl who likes to celebrate holidays and needs special things or I'd be a disaster. 

We decided to do a family day trip and drive up north the day before my bday. Drove with no specific plans with possibility of staying a night somewhere if we wanted. We wanted to drive up to San Simeon or further towards Carmel but it wasn't sure since it was so far up north.  We headed to San Luis Obsipo and stopped along the way in between.  Pismo beach was a nice halfway point which had sand dunes and we were so excited to see all the atvs and people camping. We plan on setting up camp day next time if we plan ahead. 

We continued on to Morrow Bay which was about 4 hours north of us. If was crazy how cold and grey it was. It was beautiful but we hope to catch it on a nice sunny day next time. We were tired and decided to drive back home. Not realizing we were only a few hours away from San Francisco. We wanted to head to Carmel and Monterey but we will plan another trip soon.  The kids kept asking where we were going and when we would get where and we kept saying no plans. Sometimes we can't set plans and just go somewhere without reason. We decided that we needed to keep doing these day trips without plans so they get used to life of adventure. 

Two of my coworkers pulled me on the side and told me they planned a little fun few hours for the kids on my bday so that I could have time on my own. It was the sweetest thing and I cried when they told me. They said they had it all planned out and wanted to let the kids have a good time as well. Normally I wouldn't take anyone up on it but Mat said we should and let the kids experience some new things too. They had the best time with aunty Emily and Mackenzie. They didn't want them to go home!  They brought me the sweetest card and flowers too. Love them!

With all the chaos that has been going on, I never realized I forgot to sign up z for week 1 of summer camp and when we got there on the first day he wasn't signed up!  Boy was the stressful knowing we all work. But luckily mat had a good early schedule this week and was able to be home with him. We planned lots of days outside exploring with him before I went to work so he wasn't sitting home and got some quality time without rocket to enjoy with us. It was really nice for all of us. 

Del Cerro

Abalone cove learning to skip rocks

For mats bday we made a day trip to lake arrowhead and big bear lake. It was a nice drive but exhausting and hot like a desert.  We need to plan to go fishing at big bear or hike because we just took a drive out without really knowing what was there. We did find an awesome alpine slide sled at big bear and was super excited to try it out. Kids loved it =). Can't wait to plan more day trips everywhere and teach the kids what it means to explore new adventures and be outside. 

Lake arrowhead

Big bear mountain overlooking the lake

Alpine slide

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

We are our Childhood

We really are a reflection of how we grow up. Yes, we can do everything we can to do things differently as adults if we choose to (if you have a bad childhood or want to do things differently) but it really isn't easy. 

If you're raised in a warm loving home, chances are, you become that way. My love has always had the sweetest heart, kindness, and love like no one I have ever known. Meeting his whole family has shown me that he is truly what he grew up with. He is his family. It amazes me and makes me smile. They showed such love and strength in the hardest time and I felt it through the three days I was there. 

So grateful to have all of this in my life and for the boys to be able to grow up with this as well. Everything that surrounds them will be warm and filled with love and kindness which makes me smile even in these times. 

I went through some old memories of almost a year ago and I had posted a picture of me with coffee and a quote on my Sbux cup about no experience being a waste. Everything has meaning. And that was the very day love sent me a message and started this entire whirlwind we have experienced. Stars aligned and I am always thinking how lucky we crossed paths and how very lucky I am.  Cosmic.