Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Everyday Reveals New Things

You know you are around the right person when everyday, there is something new you figure out about yourself that may or may not be good or need work.  Not on the account of that person actually telling you but realizing it on your own.

You never realize the things about yourself that needs adjusting if you are alone or just around friends who never quite speak the awful truth to you.  Mathew never tells me anything negative and is always the one who likes to make me smile, but I find myself catching the things I say or do and wanting to kick myself for how I feel it sounds or comes off.  I don't know if that makes sense but ever since we have been together, I have slowly and painfully realized that I may react or say something in a way that may be interpreted as not what I meant. 

Especially when I speak, I notice now that I am so flat or very monotone and matter of fact in my delivery that it can be interpreted as if I was upset, annoyed or just scolding rather than how I actually mean it to come out as just a statement and nothing more.  I catch myself doing it to my kids and him when I speak and now I am able to say after the fact that I hope it doesn't sound that way after it comes out because I am so not animated or sweet when stating a fact or something. 

I also find that I need a lot of work on myself mentally.  I always feel this inadequacy.  I feel like I am not good enough or not fabulous enough to be deserving of things.  It's a wierd thing to type and speak about because I know that it is silly but that is how I feel.  I go through phases where I just feel like I am not doing enough or not doing things right and feel awful that I can't do more and offer more.  I think it has a lot to do with letting myself be so much of a responsible adult/parent that I forget to pursue the things that would make me excited about myself and that leads me to feel like I can't offer excitement and passion of life to the table to anyone.  I always see this spark inside that comes out and shows the real me, when I do things spontaneously.  I see the impulsive old me that would just DO things and not think twice.  I thrive on that part of me and need to do more of that instead of always thinking about "Do I have enough for the next month?" "Can I do that?  I can't, I have to be here and can use it for a family activity one day" Etc..

I'd like to stop being so engulfed in whatever project I am working on and stop to smile and look up and acknowledge others.  Just because I'm in the middle of working and completely focused on finishing my work, it doesn't mean that I cannot take a 10 second pause to smile or look up at someone.  I find that I get so focused on work that I don't even hear anyone or look up from my work to smile.  I may say something but not actually look at you in the eyes and I catch myself doing it all the time and I want to smack myself in the face afterwards for doing it YET AGAIN! 

This year, I would like to work on changing my thought process.  Try to open my mouth to speak with less monotone and matter of fact tone and more engaged approach.  I would like to stop thinking that I am not enough and feeling like I have not enough to offer others just because others may have a more exciting lifestyle or career and I feel like an idiot all the time.  Just because I don't have a crazy college degree and glamour career and life experiences, I still have things that are worth more than that and shouldn't feel like a little mini human.  I need to start finding a way to stop thinking about whether I can do something because I could use that money for a family event in the future and do for myself and Mathew sometimes.  Biggest example was Black Friday there was a glitch in airfare and I had a chance to book flights for Mathew and I to New Zealand which has been on my bucketlist for years and I had it in my cart and almost bought them on a whim and last minute decided not to because I kept thinking that I could use that money for a family snowboarding trip in the future or something.  Rather than do something I wanted to do for myself I pushed it back for something else.  I need to start at least twice a year, to do something for just me or Mathew and I and stop feeling guilty about it. 

There are so many things I would like to adjust this year..I can't wait for all the good things to come. =)
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