Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Daily Chaos

Sometimes I wonder if people who don't have kids will ever understand how much life changes once they are born. Everyone says they understand but most people don't, even if they say they do.

I've always been the only one in my circle of friends who had kids so it was difficult to relate to people who had no real responsibilities outside of normal everyday life. On top of having no help from family because we live in a different state, and having no extra money to hire a babysitter to have extra time, I find my time completely booked up from morning til night. I am not complaining. I'm pretty happy where my life has gone. But I do find it difficult to constantly have to explain to others what my day looks like and why I don't always have extra time to just get together. And when I do have a minute to spare, I want to get In a workout and be healthy or actually just sit on the bed and do nothing but relax for an hour because that is not something that comes the rest of the work week. 

It's not the fault of those who are childless. Nor is it the fault of those who have children. It's just a meshing of worlds that you hope those closest to you would understand and be ok with. I have a handful of close friends who I don't even have to talk to for months and yet we connect here and there and it's like nothing has changed and we pick up where we left off. We respect our lives knowing that we are busy and can't keep in touch but our thoughts and heart will always be there. I want peace in my mind and heart and sometimes it's hard to handle the added stress that comes from worrying so much about everything under the sun and then the extra. 

Life has been so hectic lately and I lost myself this month. Almost sank into some dark hole that was taking me into depression but I somehow realized that everything needs to be taken as it is and just be. Smehow taking charge of the little things start a better path to lightening the emotional headache. I started to sink being so tired, gaining 10 pounds over a few months, not able to workout from injuries and the pain in my legs and back, eating junk, work related anxiety, m being busy all night, one of my best friends not talking to me because I'm so busy and just everything was caving in at one time. It felt overwhelming and I had to take a step back and breathe for a minute and think about what I could do and couldn't do to make things less crazy, work on the things I could, and not deal with the things I could not control.  It starts with taking control of my original healthy clean eating. I felt the best the last few years by taking care of my body inside and out and I fell off the last six months. By choosing to go back to when I felt the best, I started to already feel better from the inside. Everything started to move forward from there. 

It's been a week since I had a meltdown and started crying after m's show. I started really feeling disconnected to everything and he talked me through it. It's been a really long month and no one would know this except us. And possibly a few of my close friends from work who have seen me at work and spoken to me about what's been going on. Thank goodness for katy who came over after work on z's bday to help entertain them before the art show and then keeping us company to the private opening of the show so I wouldn't have an anxiety attack. 

Poor z didn't even get to have a proper celebration because everyone was so busy. We didn't forget him though. He had a collection of mini cupcakes and candles throughout the weekend. My sister came to visit us for the day on Saturday and got him some cake and took the kids to the park. 

And I took the kids to their favorite place to eat for lunch on his day. We promised him we'd do something special the weekend coming or after that. It's just been the longest work filled days for all of us and the kids have had to tag along for most of them. Thank goodness for good people who were willing to let us bring them along to all the setup and cleanup this past week. 

Can't wait til life gets back to a slight normal in June.  Crossing fingers. 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Nail Biters

Biting my nails has been a habit since I was a kid. Anxiety. Stress. Boredom. Life in Itself has me biting it til there is only a nub. A lot of it has to do with some wierd quirk or OCD that I have. When I see the white part of my nail it starts to bother me. I like it short but my nail bed is so tiny that for it to be a decent size, half of it has to be white to get past my skin.

Anyway, once in a long time I will actually waste time going to a nail salon and get my nails done to stop myself from biting them when it gets really bad. Really bad means cracking corners or my fingers and pain so bad because he nail is so short it's showing the meat under the nail. Etc. I've done it a handful of times and it actually does work. But my OCD hates the way fake nails feel on my fingers, it absolutely drives me insane. Buuuut it does work and after a month or so I'll start picking it off and trying to let my real nails grow. As long as I constantly paint my nails and upkeep it myself, it will actually start growing. 

Eventually, something will come up and I will start biting it again. Usually it's because of a nail breaking and then my OCD kicks in and I want to rip it off and then I can't stand the other nails aren't the same size so then I continue until it's a mess again. Once it starts it's like a snowball effect and I can't stop. Or some stress in my life will be at an all time high and I end up biting them off again. 

Last year before my birthday, I wanted to stop biting my nails. It had been so bad over the years because of the marriage-divorce-move situation that I had bitten them to pain. But I always say, I'd rather bite my nails and have ugly fingers and pain than pull out my hair til I have to shave it bald again. I never want to have to shave my hea to stop pulling my hair out and make myself feel more self conscious again. Soooo I went and got my nails done and it worked! I stopped biting my nails after I took them off a month later. And it lasted 9 months. Even through the crazy transitions and long distance work commute all winter, I managed to keep my nails nice and cute. Then I started again at my workshop I was sent to for work. Three full days. 13 hours a day in a room full of strangers is one of the worst places you could stick me in. I had anxiety like no other and started biting my nails. At the end of the three days, I had bitten them so bad they were throbbing.

That was March 21, 2015 at the workshop.. And continued the downward spiral. 

Not having much time off to do anything other than work and kids, I drove around trying to find a nail place to do my nails again but decided it wasn't worth the money and time to sit and have it done again. I decided I would try it on my own. Devote a few weeks to constantly painting my tiny nubs of nails and swing if I could do it by sheer willpower.  Well it worked. April 15th I decided to paint them and see how well it would work. 

May 1st (2 weeks later)

Mind you it took painting every five days to keep myself from biting them but they are now growing healthy and need to be trimmed down again!  

Small accomplishments for most but a huge one for me! Yay!

don't mind the ugly half painted nail..this was taken today and I plan to paint them later =)

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Ohhhh Mothers Day

Second Mother's Day since we left Hawaii. Last year was the first real one celebrating Mother's Day at my parents home. And this year was even better. Even though I had to work, happy it was a short shift and I got to wake up to a surprise breakfast with my little family. They made me an avocado omelette and peanut butter cookie cake. (Definitely not healthy and full of refined sugars but it's a special occasion)

The kids painted something for me and they came out so beautiful!

I have to smile just thinking how special they made today even though I'm the one person who doesn't like holidays especially anything focusing on me. Hahahaha. 

Got to work and had a Mother's Day surprise waiting for me as well. Such a sweet gesture from my work family!!  I never go and get any girly things done so this is going to be interesting bahahahahha 

Slowly losing my mind with no working out as recommended by the guy who's been fixing my back. He says I need to let it heal then see what hurts it but I need to do something. We had a work breakfast earlier this week and impromptu stairs hike followed. My friends let me borrow all their workout clothes since I didn't come prepared. It was nice to be outside. Grateful for everyone in life who does so much for me. 

In the meantime, trying to eat healthy and stay sane.  Kids are cool cause they seem to like the healthy eating =)
Sometimes this happens..Leftovers for dinner..whatever's in the fridge gets served on the table 

Monday, May 4, 2015

Back on Track

It's been a while since I've had the cooking bug.  I've always loved to bake and cook but with all the changes and having no real home for the last year and a half, I fell out of the cooking thing.  Sometimes it is hard to think of things to make when you don't feel like eating anything or everything you want is not healthy for you.

The kids have been eating so well for the last year it is amazing to see how much they have expanded their food variety and how much better they eat compared to normal adults.  They probably eat more greens and fruit than a normal adult.  Their eating habits were a short list of menu items a few years ago and now they eat so many new things and snacks have gone from majority of their diet to MAYBE one small snack a day.  It is really nice to see them eating healthy and liking it.  They are aware of what they eat and like to learn about calories and sugars and the ingredients in their food.

A few veggie bloggers I follow have always inspired me to make healthy snacks for them and myself and since the cooking bug is back, I have been making things on my days off that I didn't get to make in a long time or had planned to but never felt like getting to it.  The peanut butter banana chip muffins are a hit at home and I am so happy to add another new healthy snack to our menu.

Granola oat bars 

It's been an up and down battle with falling off the clean eating wagon and wallowing in my bad food funk all year.  Funny how when we feel yucky about ourselves, it starts a snowball effect on everything else.  When I eat healthy and exercise 5 days a week, I feel so much happier with myself and don't feel as down on my self image.  Since my feet and back have progressively gotten worse, I have slowly fallen back into the snacking and eating bad and not being able to workout has made it a complete disaster.  I feel depressed about my body, gained 6 pounds, wanting to pull out my hair, biting my nails, and just overall want to cry all the time.  It is an ugly cycle that has plagued me since I was a little girl and as much as I am aware of what is happening, I can't seem to make it stop.  I am slowly trying to get back into the swing of eating well, not letting myself have a bad snack, and trying to work 1-2 days of exercise back into the week..well, as much as I can handle with my ailing back and fascia's killing me.  Some people have hair and nails or shopping to soothe them, my only out has been running or some kind of workout and without this for the last few months, I've been in a dark place and I really need to figure this out because it isn't good for anyone around me to continue this ugly outlook.

Sometimes I feel like it is worse to be aware of the issues we have in ourselves, because if we are aware of them, we should be able to stop them and do things differently.  I'll catch myself saying I wish I could just be ignorant to them and not know why I felt a certain way because then it's not like I know what I need to do..I don't know...which may be better than knowing and not fixing it!  OHHHH the joys of being a girl/mom/human who has major self image and confidence issues.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRR