The Daily Chaos

Sometimes I wonder if people who don't have kids will ever understand how much life changes once they are born. Everyone says they understand but most people don't, even if they say they do.

I've always been the only one in my circle of friends who had kids so it was difficult to relate to people who had no real responsibilities outside of normal everyday life. On top of having no help from family because we live in a different state, and having no extra money to hire a babysitter to have extra time, I find my time completely booked up from morning til night. I am not complaining. I'm pretty happy where my life has gone. But I do find it difficult to constantly have to explain to others what my day looks like and why I don't always have extra time to just get together. And when I do have a minute to spare, I want to get In a workout and be healthy or actually just sit on the bed and do nothing but relax for an hour because that is not something that comes the rest of the work week. 

It's not the fault of those who are childless. Nor is it the fault of those who have children. It's just a meshing of worlds that you hope those closest to you would understand and be ok with. I have a handful of close friends who I don't even have to talk to for months and yet we connect here and there and it's like nothing has changed and we pick up where we left off. We respect our lives knowing that we are busy and can't keep in touch but our thoughts and heart will always be there. I want peace in my mind and heart and sometimes it's hard to handle the added stress that comes from worrying so much about everything under the sun and then the extra. 

Life has been so hectic lately and I lost myself this month. Almost sank into some dark hole that was taking me into depression but I somehow realized that everything needs to be taken as it is and just be. Smehow taking charge of the little things start a better path to lightening the emotional headache. I started to sink being so tired, gaining 10 pounds over a few months, not able to workout from injuries and the pain in my legs and back, eating junk, work related anxiety, m being busy all night, one of my best friends not talking to me because I'm so busy and just everything was caving in at one time. It felt overwhelming and I had to take a step back and breathe for a minute and think about what I could do and couldn't do to make things less crazy, work on the things I could, and not deal with the things I could not control.  It starts with taking control of my original healthy clean eating. I felt the best the last few years by taking care of my body inside and out and I fell off the last six months. By choosing to go back to when I felt the best, I started to already feel better from the inside. Everything started to move forward from there. 

It's been a week since I had a meltdown and started crying after m's show. I started really feeling disconnected to everything and he talked me through it. It's been a really long month and no one would know this except us. And possibly a few of my close friends from work who have seen me at work and spoken to me about what's been going on. Thank goodness for katy who came over after work on z's bday to help entertain them before the art show and then keeping us company to the private opening of the show so I wouldn't have an anxiety attack. 

Poor z didn't even get to have a proper celebration because everyone was so busy. We didn't forget him though. He had a collection of mini cupcakes and candles throughout the weekend. My sister came to visit us for the day on Saturday and got him some cake and took the kids to the park. 

And I took the kids to their favorite place to eat for lunch on his day. We promised him we'd do something special the weekend coming or after that. It's just been the longest work filled days for all of us and the kids have had to tag along for most of them. Thank goodness for good people who were willing to let us bring them along to all the setup and cleanup this past week. 

Can't wait til life gets back to a slight normal in June.  Crossing fingers.