Sunday, April 19, 2015

Endings to Beginnings

I think it is time to let go of this old will still be up so I can reflect back someday and see how far we've all come.....but it was so old, started as a reseller/fashion/style blog to something super sad and emotional that I think it is time to start a new chapter without all that old shit =)

new blog

Monday, January 26, 2015

Night Terrors

"Tell me what you know about dreaming, dreaming
You don't really know about nothing, nothing
Tell me what you know about them night terrors, every night
5AM cold sweats waking up to the sky
Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothing
You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow
Rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" -Kid Cudi

I find some comfort everytime I hear this song.  I could get lost in it on repeat for hours sometimes....It does explain a lot of how my head is at times...Pursuit of Happiness

One of my best friends asked me about life and hearing the explanation, how tables have turned for me..I used to be this happy, sweet, loving, caring human being..and over the last decade I spent so much time surrounded by nothing, cold unloving blanket wrapped around my life, that I lost the person I used to be.  It became the normal and I no longer know how to find that part of my heart.  Everytime I watch How I Met Your Mother, I find myself relating to Robin so often.  Deep down, I think it bothers me so much because I know that it's somewhere buried under the pile of shit that was built up for so long..I just don't know how far down to dig.  My mindset has turned to putting everything that I wanted or needed to keep myself happy as last or non-existent that I forgot what it meant to stop and smell the roses.  Mom mode put life on hold as a human being and when you don't have love other than being a parent, you forget what it means to live for anything else. 

I worry that I will never find that warm part inside again and that's a sad and scary thought.  For someone who is always lost in my mind with needing to be perfect and anxiety, it doesn't make life any easier knowing that there is another thing to add to the list of things that are wrong with myself....

Too many things on the mind and plate lately and I feel like just hiding in a corner and's time to go see a doctor isn't it?  The craziest part is that I am always in the know of what my mental state needs to do and get out of, but I don't seem to know how to turn that shit offfffffffff and just stop, slow down, and let life move at a slower pace.  Sometimes I think being a parent has created a responsible monster out of me and that has become a good and bad thing....

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Ending the year with changes

Been a while since I've written an entry. Just been a little hectic with the holiday training for work and my constant long commutes between states. I'm so grateful I have my parents who have put in so much time and energy to help me raise the kids in the best way possible so that I can have these opportunities. Otherwise I would never have been able to do this. The kids are in the best hands and have grown to be such well mannered boys. They have so much more to learn but have developed such good things in the last year. So many things have changed and my life is definitely not what I would ever have imagined a year ago.  Life is bittersweet because I never wanted to be the parent that had to be away working so much and not being able to be with my kids all the time.  Yet, it is nice to have work and continue growing.  I just hate that this is where my life has taken me.  I have to work so much in order to BARELY survive supporting the kids and the constant stress of wondering if I will ever be able to move out and have our own place is giving me anxiety.   I want to move out but if I do I will have to work even more which makes it harder for me knowing that I don't have as much time to spend all day with the kids like I used to.  Being broke and struggling to even buy groceries was tough but at least I was a stay at home mom and able to take care of them in my own way, now I have to work so much and I am glad that I know they are in good hands when I am working, but it still makes me want to cry knowing I am missing everything.

There are so many new changes happening at this very moment and I have no idea where my life is going to end up but everything will fall into place and I have to learn to stop worrying so much. It just adds to my anxiety when there isn't anything I can do about things I cannot predict and control. 

The new store has been amazing and they made me feel at home instantly. Thank goodness for the amazing little team I have to work with. I'm stoked. Although I'm exhausted everyday and I never wanted to be that mom who had to work and be away from my kids so much, so is life and that I cannot change. I hope someday All of this is worth it and I can have more time to spend as a family instead of always working. 

Until then, I am trying to enjoy every moment I can and do things with them my sister brought them down to San Diego this weekend so my parents could have a break and I didn't have to drive so far for he weekend it's beenawesome. And so glad I have such great support from everyone. This is a great way to end the year can't wait to have christmas with everyone. 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Baking is my Relaxer

I always liked cooking and baking and have fallen off for a while when I sunk into my darkness. Sometimes it will make a reappearance but always disappear. Lately I've been making a couple of vegan or almost vegan snacks so I don't eat so much junk. It's nice to go back to my plant based lifestyle. I have realized how much my stomach is affected by animal based food even in small amounts. Because I've been eating clean for a while now, everytime I've started to indulge in the junk and give in to my ice cream cravings, I find my stomach back to its bloated painful state.

Today, since I had a Sunday off (unheard of!), I decided to bake the pumpkin muffin recipe from MyWholeFoodLife that I had been meaning to make. The pumpkin was sitting in the cabinet for a while because I never got around to making it. The monkey bread was always the most made item for me so this was a nice change. It is almost vegan if I hadn't added the semisweet chocolate chips and added carob chips instead. But all I had was the semi sweet so it's almost vegan =)

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Challenges and Growth

The boys are growing up so fast. It's bittersweet. I'm happy to see them growing and being more independent, but sad because they don't need me as much as they have. It's a battle between them driving me insane and missing them when I don't see them. 

So many changes are happening towards the end of 2014 and it's hard to wrap my head around everything. I had meltdown after meltdown because there are so many new changes at once it scares the hell out of me but I know that that is why I need to face them rather than run from them like I would have always done. My job always tells me that when it's hard and it's work, it is helping me. It is my "work" when I'm challenged to do something I'm scared of.   

Work-life balance

Everything that has happened in the last year has challenged me and what worked out for the best has always been because I did opposite of what I would have normally done. So everything will find a way to work itself out. I have to constantly tell myself that and hear the reassurance from close family and friends or I may sink into a dark hole.

The weather has been beautiful lately and it's been so amazing to take the kids out even for an hour on a short hike before work. It's so hard to let go of being a parent when there are so many other responsibilities to juggle and I always feel a guilt inside when I can't be there for everything like I used to. In the end, I know I'm trying everything I can to fit in little bits in between work to make time even if it's for a short time. No one said life and parenting was easy. It's definitely more challenging for someone like me who feels guilty and responsible for everything no matter what the situation. I need to learn to not feel responsible and guilty as much as I do. Work In Progress.  


Saturday, October 4, 2014

Life is Work

In a span of a month since my last post, there have been so many random experiences and decisions to make.  Shows you just how much life can throw obstacles in your path.

Never been comfortable with making decisions and change, I have always been one to run away from having to face them.  If something amazing came up or an awesome opportunity could present itself, I would get to the final point and then back out because I was afraid of change and comfortable just staying stagnant because it was easier than making waves in the water.

Explaining that to my KL the other night she told me this is why I'm working on changing that..doing things differently.  As hard as it may be, I have to work on myself and doing things because it's WORK.  It isn't easy that's why I need to make these choices and changes....

LIFEEEEEEEEE is not easy..but I am doing these things to get a better job and paid more to help support my kids.  I want to be able to move out of my parents house and support my kids, pay for their preschool and school activities and not be struggling so badly that I worry about everything.  Who wants to be 35 and living at home with's definintely not good for my soul.  I love my family and so grateful for their help in this gave the kids a chance to get to know them and learn SOOOO many amazing teachings from them...but I don't want to be dependent on them and we need to all be happy.

Outside of life changes, I've been able to explore a lot in various's been nice.  The weather has been changing to fall weather which is the best thing ever.  Hiking has resumed with the kids.  It is so nice to be able to share that part of my life with the kids..I want them to grow up remembering these memories and hopefully continuing to lead an outdoor, active life.  I didn't have that growing up and I was never atheltic, nor did I have the drive to be active.  Now that I am, I wished I had done this all my life.  I hope the kids will take these experiences and lead a healthy lifestyle in the future.  They do complain a bit..especially Rocket because he is small but I keep explaining to him that he needs to do these things and hard as they may be, they are good for him and his health..appreciate nature and outdoors..the Earth we live on and the reason we are living.  As much as I am a person of the electronics world, I do think everything needs balance. I want them to have both worlds..

Some amazing sunsets and nature he last month

First time having a Moscow mule. I'm sold. The cup was the selling point hahaha

Can't wait to take my kids to see this soon 

Fall is back and it makes me smile. Sharing my fave pastime with them makes my heart burst with happiness