A lot of random things have happened in the last few weeks but the one things I did realize is how much stronger I have become. I still weep and I still have anxiety attacks from my own mind, but what I do know is that I am stronger that I was 4 months ago. And DEFINITELY stronger than I was a year ago. Everything happens for a reason but it doesn't always means that we know what that reason is until it shows itself. I have yet to see what it is and why we had to go through what we went through, but there will be a sign someday.
Sometimes I see signs that show up when I see how much my kids have become good kids. They were always good kids but they had major issues to work on and now that they have been away, they have really stepped up their ways. Especially Z. He has REALLY grown into a better boy..one who helps, talks, listens, tries new things, and most of all is starting to show that he has respect for people. That was a major struggle for me and I constantly blame myself for not being more on it as a mom in the last few years. I was so busy trying to raise them and do everything else alone that I forgot to really focus and spend the time I needed to teach him the good things. Now that Rocket is older, I don't have to baby him and be so watchful over everything, I can focus more on spending time with Z on the things he should have been developing and learning in the past and I can dispurse my time more between the two boys. When kids don't have the quality time to learn, they stray and pick up things that they observe and without direction, they will develop the habits that I will have a harder time trying to fix. In a matter of months, they really have grown a lot. I'm so proud of them. Even when I get angry and have to scold them, I'm so glad that its not nearly as often as it used to be.
Somedays, I wish I could be a kid again. They have so much to enjoy and are carefree. Not even realizing how good life is! Being a parent is not easy. No one ever said it was but it really really is a difficult job..and I hope in the end, I can say I did the best I could to give them a good life and raise them with good values so they will carry them on to their own families.
We have been exploring new places on the weekend when I have a day off and I am really happy to see that they are trying to be there with me and share the experiences of being outdoors. My life is consumed by the kids and being active that there isn't much room for anything else. If they learn to enjoy being active, that would be awesome. I was never athletic as a kid all the way until the last few years and would have always liked to be or be surrounded by people who were active so it could push you everyday.
Working part time has helped a lot because I have met some really awesome people. Although it consumes extra time away from other activities, its a good change from the same routine. The 45-60 minute commute is not so fun but I'm used to it now. I do miss being able to swim three times a week. The pool hours are terrible so if I can't go in the mornings, I can't go at all since it's too crowded after 3 when it opens again for lap swim.
Some of my coworkers I have connected with more and one of them has made me extremely grateful and stoked to have found such a great friend in her. She's an inspiration and I hope to be able to catch up to her one day. Shes on her way to Boston for the marathon and also will be running the New York Marathon this year. Shes FAST FAST FAST and just shows me everyday how much motivation and strength she has. Who wakes up at 5a to workout and then go to another workout and then head to work almost everyday? Dedication and drive..it's so inspiring. Surround yourself with amazing people and you will learn something new everyday. TRUTH!
My 6am wake up calls lately have given me this amazing sunrise.