Memories Like Death

My therapist used to tell me that my feelings and tears about changes in life or memories about things are like a death in the family for me. That's why I always feel this great sadness or sinking feeling when I move to a new home or look at old photos of when I was a kid or just thinking back to things I always did or done and how I don't do them now as an adult. Reading stories about happy things in life makes me cry as well. I hate that part of me. I hate that I have a hard time letting go of things. I'm sure when my kids get big and I look at their pictures, I will be bawling at the table all by myself just because I don't have that anymore. It's ridiculous and yet that's such a part of who I am. Epic emotional stupidity. The part of me as a teenager who could sink into depression listening to Portishead in my room and cry. No matter how much I try to do the opposite of that, I can't seem to fucking make it not a part of my head.
When you wake up everyday, hoping you will think and feel differently about certain situations, but it hasn't changed since yesterday...it doesn't feel good. Holding onto the negative emotions is so hard. As much as I try to push it out of my head I can't seem to win. All this built up resentment? Or disappointment? has me feeling annoyed and angry which I completely don't like to feel.  I've always been the one who thought, its harder to be mad or mean to someone that it is to be nice be happy. Yet, I think me always being nice and trying to help everyone and make things ok with all around me has made me become a wreck in some ways. It takes a lot for me to have a 180 degree view on anyone or thing. A lot. So whatever it as that got me there, hard to say it can flip back. It would have taken a lot of my energy and emotional efforts to try to always make things right. To a point where that bottle is empty and never refilled. That's where it has to go to get me where I am.


Today was one of those days where the few things that have been emotionally upsetting, that I had tried to push on the side to keep moving forward,  came flying at me like a rush of water all at once and it showed in my actions and emotions on my face. I could feel the negative energy coming out of me and I hate that. I hate that I let things affect my life, feelings and actions. I want to just run and run and run until my legs hurt and I can't think of anything else but the pain in my body. Physical is always so much easier to deal with than the mental. Sort of like when someone hurts their arm and you tell them, "want me to punch the other one?" Cause it takes away the pain from the soreness hahaha.  I need to stop letting things affect me and my emotions as much. Knowing is one thing but doing is another. Something I've battled all my life. I've know this as a child and yet I haven't figured out the answer to fix it. Talking to a girl who used to cry at night having thoughts about my mom dying when she gets old. Mental problems?  Yes, I think so.

I need to do better to teach my children not to become like me. I want them to be better humans, adults, brothers, husbands, sons and friends.  I want so much more for them than what I am. I want them to be confident, strong, and not be pushed over by everyone because you always try to make everyone else happy before yourself. That there is a line between doing for yourself, being selfish, and overdoing for everyone.  Everyday, that is what I remind myself. Teach them the good things so they can be the best for the people around them when I'm not around. If that's all I'm here for for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that. =)

Lots of Things Moving Forward

This new years started off with more telling myself that I will keep on moving and progressing in growing as a person and adult..In my adulthood I've had a lot of growing up to do and as tough as things can get it DOES help me learn to be me and be strong. I have slowly stopped letting everyone and everything else hold me back from being me and actually standing up for myself and saying "Screw that, I am going to do this whether you're with me or not" and it's helped me really gain some of my own "self" back which I have really lost the last decade or so.

Still dealing with many health and lower stomach issues..which when I look back I think I have anxiety but I also don't think the doctors had really solved the issues and now seeing the naturopath, he seems to actually be on a road to recovery..let's hope so. My stomach for year I have suffered with it being bloated and sore and had no idea why..nothing showed up that I had anything wrong..and for over a year I have seriously ate healthy and worked out like a madwoman and couldnt see a change in weight/size and actually kept getting bigger..no grains, gluten, wheat, dairy and still nothing..In comes the naturopath and listened to my issues and said I may have hypothyroid even if it shows normal in my bloodwork...so lets see if this herbal way will help. He also said my gallbladder was not working right which is why I had these weird oily poop (TMI!) so I started less than 5 days ago and so far seems like I see a slight change in my giant bloated stomach but I also have the wrost strep throat right now and can't see if I am getting better yet. Can't wait til I am not sick and in bed to see if things are getting back to normal..

here is a pic of my stomach in the morning without even eating!
 

Been feeling really lazy lately and not cooking so many fun things probably because I cannot eat most of them with all my limitation. But I do still cook some foods that I cannot eat just because. Especially when the kids want something like pancakes and they don't feel good. How can I not make them something.

some of the amazing sunrises this year

I'm going to get back into the cooking soon..and this year has been set for a lot of changes and new things and MORE hardcore excursions..I can't wait. Thanks to a few really good friends who have been supporting me with the outdoor excursions, it's been really fun to just get out there and be with people who can push you to keep going longer, faster, harder. 2013 here we come!

my good friend and outdoor partner

dinner for the family

some dinners..lucky i love broccoli

little love had hand foot and mouth it was awful

morning trails

little man's 3rd birthday and big brother

some really awesome people. we did it!!!!

can't say no to making kids pancakes from scratch when they are sick

Merry fn Xmas!

It's strange how people can really make or change the entire feeling of the day nap merging amazing happens and you're stoked and positive all day. When surrounded by constant negative energy or gloomy moods, it can completely infect us all with this black cloud and what started off as a possibly smiling day, now becomes full of eggshells and grumpiness. I don't think some people can understand that they can make everyone around them feel like shit just by their own selfishness and wierd that grown adults heading into old hood can still be like a tantrum throwing toddler. Sort of sad that we all can't see ourselves in the same mirror that everyone around can see. I think I would be embarrassed by my own actions. Lol. None of us alive should have to deal with a constant barrage of anger and moodiness. No one deserves to be dealt that hand. Merry fucking Christmas. Lets hope 2013 will bring about a new beginning or sunnier light on life.

Physical or Mental

What is worse, physically sick or mentally sick. I think both but the worst is if you are sick at all and look fine. No one ever believes you don't feel good and you can't prove it when you look completely healthy on the outside. Harder when people around you are extreme and would only realize the extent when someone is dying on a hospital bed or bleeding to death or actually dead. It would be an "OH SHIT, I FEEL SO BAD I NEVER KNEW IT WAS SO BAD" moment...laughable hahahahaha Crazy how as much as we all don't think about how others interpret ourselves for the way we are or act, we have to consciously catch ourselves in whatever it is and make every effort to become a better human..It's like blaming your family for being heavy drinkers. It doesn't mean you have to be a heavy drinker as well..we can make an effort to not because you see the consequences of those actions.. In my efforts to clear my head from the haze, I have been doing as many active things as I can and for some reason it hasn't changed my mental state but I do get an hour or two most days of the week to sweat hard and see the sun rising or quiet my brain...somehow I hope that I can clear my head and stomach for a longer length of time and find that place I can relax....would be nice! =)

sunrise sky

love these shoes from topshop london

they are what keeps me moving

Bottomless rock bottom

I can no longer handle the things I could before. Amazing how much I could deal with all at once when I was younger and how it has broken down my mind so much that I may be stronger but my insides have taken the beating. Just because we may look strong or act strong, it doesn't mean we really are. Maybe I've hit rock bottom. I'm sure there's an even deeper rock bottom from here. My mind is a giant storm and my heart feels black and empty. As I've gotten older I noticed I've grown a lot harsher and cold hearted. Where once I would be so emotionally attached to things and now easily turn my head and let it go. A huge part of my entire selfI've always known is slowly disappearing and I am not sure it's a good thing. Gaining something and losin another doesn't make it equal. I am always wandering and need guidance, support, and strength. more than i can give myself. Everyone needs a giant banyan tree to lean on. Even the giant needs support and branches to wrap itself around when you're lost. I'm lost.

Has it been that long?

Oh boy. I hadn't realized I havent posted in months!  Been so preoccupied with the present I forgot about the computer. I've been really separating myself from time wasting as much as I can but I can't seem to get completely away. At least I am not wasting hours of my awake time sitting at my computer anymore.

Life has been chaotic and awesome and miserable all in one jumbled mess but I think that's how everything is. Trying to let go of the not perfect things and accept that is difficult.

Hiking. Yoga. Jogging. Getting in shape. Anything active. I've become obsessed. And yet my old age keeps me from losing any weight. It's killing me. My favorite sports radio guy Colin cowherd said that at his age now (45) he needs to workout twice as much just to maintain his weight. Compared to his 30s. Which makes me feel like my 30s is the same. Ughhhhhhh I'm annoyed but still proud that I started the first day of the year off walking 2 miles and set a goal I would keep up exercising and haven't fallen off. It's actually complete opposite and I am happy about that. Just win I could see results. Hahaha

Off topic but a year ago I got lashes and loved them but have OCD and totally would rip them out. Stopped. Then a friend started doing it so I got them done and this time I didn't rip them out but I always wipe y face when working out and I wipe it rough and same after a shower. So thy all keep falling out and some rip out from the towel. As much as I love them I don't know if I'm meant to have them or I need to learn to be more gentle and girly with my face hit I am not. Anyone else have this issue? My OCD doesn't help.

I'm in need of healthy veggie ideas as well! Trying to add a lot more variety of veggies and no clue about them. Send them my way if you have any. Yay!!

And to those I've done care pkg swaps with, let's start again!!!
Xoxo

Raining Outside and In

My brain is a disaster but somehow I have a little more clarity than before. Even my shrink says I sound a lot stronger than I have in all the years I've been seeing her. And it's been about 5 years. I find that when I'm single I have a lot more friendliness in me. More outgoing and open to people. When I'm with someone I tend to focus only on them and family and keep to that small world. Now that my BFF told me I need to just do stuff for myself, I actually put a little more time in being friendlier to people and I actually feel better.

Anyway besides that my life hasn't changed. I feel this crazy become more clearer yet not knowing how to deal with my own mental craze is the issue. Oh the joys of getting older. It is completely awful. The weather sort of reflects my mood. It's been gloomy an rainy and ugly. I think that about sums up my brain right now. Show me the light at the end of the tunnel! Constantly trying to remind myself that I am not going crazy..that I love my kids and life HAHAHAH when all the chaos goes on in my house with my kids I have to remind myself this..hahahhaha

my sons, the models hahaha

On a bright note, I DID get to use my rainboots for the first time in ages! Yay! Time to go stomping in the rain puddles!!

Shirt- hellz, leggings - lamade, shoes - dav

I have been cooking a bunch lately. Wish I had more photos of it! Here are a few.

my fave:

DIY Time

Been trying to revive old clothes that were headed to the donations bag but now I think I might keep them. I had a pair of 2 sizes too big JBrand cut off shorts that were always too big and I thought I would like that larger oversized shorts look but I really didn't. It was sitting in my closet with no use. I decided to try cutting it up a little higher to make it more girly and voila! I love..it just took me 30 minutes to shred it and hopefully after a washing it will shred more.


shirt - Nation LTD, shorts - JBrand cut offs

gonna shred these a little more since I want a huge long shredding instead of short ones but I like where it's going!

AFTER WASHING:


I also practiced dying my old tanks that I was using for the pool to cover up because I never wear just a bikini no matter what size I am I always wear a shirt or tank over. I was going to throw them away or donate but thought I'd practice dying it and YAY! It came out awesome. Can't wait til the bleaching sets in more and after it's set, I will wash and dry and post AFTER pics



AFTER:


My little garden on the patio seems to be doing much better. The 3 avocado trees that I almost tossed out because of mealy bugs are now healthy as can be and so is the basil..and our tomato plant is growing its first tomatoes! So excited!!!!!!



And just for fun, I made oatmeal cookies for Z but ran out of chocolate chips so I used our extra christmas M&Ms and put them in. They came out yummy but Z somehow DOES NOT LIKE oatmeal cookies! How can you not like them!??!?!?! So I thought I'd make them into ice cream sammies since he loves vanilla ice cream but he did not even want to go near them!! What kind of kid do I have!??! I ended up giving almost all of them away to our neighbors because I didn't want to eat them all by myself! They were so yummy........what's the use of me liking to bake and cook when no one in my house ever eats?!!!!!!! LOL



my little lovebug is 2 now..so sad it's too fast!


shirt - In4mation HI shirt, shoes - converse, shorts - babygap

And JUST because, this is what I woke up to this morning..it was gorgeous..too bad the amazing colors in the morning means it's humid, ugly, hot weather for the day!

3 Days In...

Third day of the new year and already starting on the wrong foot. A sign of what's to come? I sure hope not. It's funny how I know that my own home life is what's causing my mental instability and yet I have no idea how to fix it. My kids give me anxiety and my hubs too..my doc keeps saying my home is supposed to be the safe place..the place for relax and happiness but it's totally the opposite. It's definitely my own doing. I just have no idea how to turn it off. One kid is acting up being sassy and talking back and not listening..I believe its a typical 5 year old attitude..but it's an ugly attitude and the little one is copying and constantly trying to make trouble and make it worse for the older one and sometimes I would like to just let them beef it out on their own..run off and let them fight! But maybe a year more before that can happen since R is not 2 yet..hahahha

beach days


if only they could get along all the time! HAHAHA


Hubs and I had turned a new leaf ending of 2011 but of course, like a child acts when they are in trouble, they fix it for a few weeks and then go back to doing exactly what they said they were sorry for..hmmmm grumpiness and addiction to the iphone and computer/facebook has seriously taken over his life..so much so that he even takes his phone to the bathroom to do #2. Or even to take a bath..like you need to check it as soon as you get out of the shower?? Geez..if I were suspicious, I could be but I honestly believe it isn't some other woman hahaha I know him and he's not that kind of person but really..letting the internet rule life is awful...knowing when to live life and enjoy it to the fullest is so much more important that wasting it away on the computer or phone in the company of others....you know its bad when you have to remind someone to stop using the computer while guests are over the house. I try not to nag so I almost never say anything until it's been happening way too often and then I feel like a nag and I hate it. Hopefully we both can get a grip on what is really important..yes, we all take each other and family for granted...forget to be thoughtful and caring to those closest to us..I am guilty of it myself..I catch myself ignoring my family or mom or pets and I feel guilty..and I try to change it but sometimes it doesn't work..I hope we can all strive to be concious of what we are doing even if we do them, we know we did it and work on trying to do better....action, not words. I really would like to make big changes in 2012. I really do..I need to make myself a better person. I hope that this time around I actually succeed. Here is to the hopes in an awesome 2012 year...





In the meantime, we have had beautiful breezy winter hawaii weather lately..and today it died down and now it's muggy and hot like usual. Sad because I was so happy for 2 weeks of cold weather...funny being from here I would think I'd be used to this yucky weather but I am not..I need to be somewhere cold hahahaha.

thanksgiving dinner..






sukiyaki - random cooking




Z loves making cupcakes

Breakfast Beach Halloween

This was the first year Z actually wanted to dress up and go trick or treating. He's a late bloomer and never wanted to dress up and didn't care much for trick or treating. Still doesn't but I think school has got him a little more interested in it. He was shy asking for candy but it was good time. We beat the rain shower which started right after we made our loop and our friends showed up but we were done and it was pouring rain!




sorry r's tail looks like a wiener! =(

I have been cooking somewhat. Not often because hubs is never home for dinner during the weekdays so once in a while I'll cook a meaningful dinner and weekends I TRY to make something for bfast that is different from norm. Z likes pancakes..or so he says. Everytime I make them he only eats a little but I think he just likes the idea of making them? Sort of like making cupcakes but not.


Sunday morning bfast


Shoyu chicken for the family. I don't eat meat but they rest of my family does so this is for them..

My mental health is suffering severely. Sometimes I am not sure what to do. Now that I am not nursing, I am able to take a half xanax when it gets really bad but I hate taking meds. But I will get severe pain in my stomach from anxiety and almost throwing up from it. Ugh I wish I could make it all stop but half the time I have no idea WHY I have these anxiety attacks. Sometimes I wonder if I should just start smoking weed to help..but I am not much of a smoker and I don't know what's worse, drugs or weed...help!!!!!!! I am trying to keep it together for my family so I can still function but my mind and body is in turmoil..I know part of it is my body and how I hate it. I play Kinect Sports and you can see the video of yourself after you are done and I see how fat I am and it's depressing and I am determined to lose that last 15-20 pounds I have been saying I will lose from the baby..it's almost 2 years..there is no excuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!